pictorial of august

before august ends .. i hope to recall a beautiful pictorial of august 2006.

in a vehicle .. it drove pass many cars .. many vans .. many lorries .. many motorcycles and many many people.
why were the vehicle stopping? why was there a sudden stop? why was there a jam? and most ironic of it all .. why were there people in the road? in the expressway.

why?

and seconds later ..

loud blast of explosion shock the dark skies .. wave after wave .. like a pounder, pounding "bom bom" sound in the skies.
and in harmony .. well sequence, with perfect timing and smooth co-ordination. streaks of colourful sparks flashed across the skies.
it's looks like a beautiful flower, first .. then it rains beautiful red, green, orange sparks .. sparkles & showering down .. time after time, colourful sparks flashed across the skies..

it flashes .. soon it sparkles .. then it glitters .. and it showers down, as if it was raining beautiful colours.

i stared in admiration. it was a magnificiant sight .. it was really beautiful.

the fireworks.

then as the vehicle go slower and eventually stops, due to a jam.

something caught my eye ..

a guy .. holding a bouquet of flowers .. red colour .. should be roses .. hugging .. cuddling a girl, probably his girlfriend .. kissing .. and yes, at the expressway, while the beautiful fireworks was on display.

behind a backdrop of beautiful fireworks and majestic skyscapers .. among hundreds of people .. the hectic condition of the traffic .. all this, single out the lovely couple .. the little peace & quiet space this couple creates.

why he did that .. i don't know

but it was so obvious.

it was so romantic ..

they're in a world of their own, i guess ..

i look in envy .. and i smile .. though i kind of feel sad and, eh.. but .. well, nevermind.

and as the vehicle starts to speed off ..

i stared blankly .. smiling to myself .. images of that beautiful fireworks starts to rewind in my head .. and also the beautiful pictures of the past .. that unforgettable smile.

Fireworks .. although it maybe beautiful .. but beauty tends to be short-live and only last for a few minutes .. really have to grab hold of it .. appreciate it .. and treasure it before it dies off. and it shall always stay inside the memory .. as a sweet everlasting memory .. not a forgettable one.

i finally understand that everything we see, we possessed and we treasure are all nothing but like fireworks. it may be very beautiful but short-live.

beauty last only for a moment.

we really have to use our heart to admire it, to appreciate it and to treasure this beautiful scene. if not, it will be just a "one of the another" firework display if we were just to only use our naked eyes to appreciate.

although fireworks display is an annually event .. but i would want to appreciate it yearly. for we wouldnt know one day .. there will be no more fireworks display again.

and then .. it will only exist in our memory .. what a shame, isnt it?

i know .. so please don't .. it hurts.

but sometimes, the best picture may not exist physically ..
we have to dig hard and think hard to recall, to obtain, to capture and to appreciate it once again .. the beauty of the picture.

i have seen beautiful pictures .. i have beautiful pictures before .. though there's no need to dig and think hard for it.

but i have since .... lost it

and no matter now, how sweet or how beautiful or even how lovely the picture is .. it just simply doesnt belongs to me anymore ..

well, i would want to treasure it .. and, if you have .. please treasure it .. okay?

and i still yearn for the beautiful pictures .. i still smile when i think it and i will still treasure them.

when will you come back? will you come back? will there ever be more new beautiful pictures?

pictorial of august .. i will always remember you.

ever in my heart ..

always.

something's missing (re-visit)

nothing much has changed.

this earth is still rotating, im still walking and walking.

maybe now, i'm a headless chicken, walking to nowhere and nothing much to do .. but one thing i'm kind of glad is time has passed me by, rather quickly ..

time heals .. this time.

and i don't know whether should i be happy or not.

i enjoy looking up the sky .. the sky is quiet and serene though it is ever-changing, but it brought me peace, many times.

i always like to think, if A & B are two point in this earth. and they kept moving and moving, so what are the chances one day this two points will meet. earth is round, earth is moving and so are the two points .. so any chance?

so what if they are actually two person on earth?

well, forget it. its just a moment of thought .. nothing much.

for .. some things may not be what it used to be anymore. through time, we understand or rather, i understood.

as much as i don't want it, what's gone has gone and i'm not a cute koala bear .. no use clinging on.

but, i really hope i still can be somewhere near though not close and not very far away .. being near warms my heart and makes me smile .. anyway, well, we shall see.

i remember that time .. seeing many lovers and people in love makes me feel left out .. virtually, i tried to visit Cupid .. asking him for a shot ..

but he gave me a rather long queue no and say that i wait.

since then .. i wait.

but i have tore away the queue no paper away .. and walked out.

Thank you, Cupid. but i think, i am now a much stronger and better person and i will seek for myself .. whats rightfullly mine.

but the time is not ripe yet .. we shall see.

loneliness has already left me .. i'm not lonely anymore, but alone.

i started to realise that everything is fair. nothing is not fair, you gain some you lose some. fret not, if it won't come .. for eventually, it will and the rewards will be more than expected.

some day, i hope the ice tea would still be the same old habit. dessert would be the same mango milk pudding and hopefully, that smile would be a sincere and genuine one.

well, some day would eventually be one day .. i really hope ..
but is it eventually or virtually?

actually, i'm not really missing something now. i hope i am but there's nothing much more to cling on now.

there are still things i don't understand .. its ok. just leave it as it is .. nothing much more to ponder over anymore.

people say after every thunderstorm there will always be a rainbow appearing over the clear blue skies.

i see one now ..

but what matter most to me, is not the rainbow .. i seen lots of it already .. but that pot of gold under it

it will be my greatest reward .. and time will take me there. one day

* i have already given you what you want from me .. but remember, i will always be at somewhere near .. till then, goodbye

my birthday girl

it's a peaceful night .. at least my mind is in peace and i'm not thinking of many things, but still remembering and thinking of somethings, but one thing, in particular ..

just one .. really.

i smiled, and along the street i walked.

i walked passed a long glass window and i saw this group of people, probably in their teens, my age, and there were, one .. two .. three, probably more, its eight of them. all crowding around the table and there's one person, just one person, standing at the front of the table and the rest just crowd by the sides.

i stopped. i walked back. and i looked. and yes, i really stopped and i really walked back and i really look at them.

it was a lovely sight, a joyful one and of cos, everyone looked very happy. they are clapping hands, they were also singing songs. the person at the front of the table, was a lady. she was very beautiful .. dressed in her most pretty clothes, she is very happy.

as she jumped with joy, her long silky hair flows, bounced and rest neatly on her shoulders. i saw her lovable cheeks, as red and round as a cherry and blushing all along. her eyes sparkles and her sight kept wonder around .. wonder on to her friends, then on to no where, but kept looking on at particularly something on the table.

its a cake ..
with 2 big candles and 2 small ones, 4 lighted candles .. although it was an ordinary & normal cake.. but with candles on it .. it may not be an ordinary cake anymore.

this cake probably meant something, to her.

it was a birthday cake.

and that girl is celebrating her birthday .. and as her friends finished singing the song .. they were happily clapping their hands, making happy sounds of joy, and some went on to hug her, so warmly and so wholesome, a joyous occasion indeed..

a special day to remember and what a wonderful sight to behold,

as she closed her eyes, clutched her hands together, silently smiled to herself .. giving a small grin as if the angels in the heaven has agreed to what she had wished for ..

with a pretty smile across her pretty face, she bent down to blow her candles, annoucing the arrival of her 22 years of age.

suddenly .. the wind outside gets colder .. this night seems older and this day seems longer, although its about to end soon.

Sometimes, growing older is not a bad thing, well, you grow wiser. but however, time and tide waits for .. in this case, and for every case, no one.

well, its another year .. one after one year, that fast.

as she blew the candles .. she smiled and looked up .. her big bright eyes, innocently glanced outside the glass window.

and all she saw were by-passers, walking quickly and briskly, some were trying to find their way home, while some are rushing to somewhere else .. and that man in front .. behind the mirror, is not there anymore.

but nevermind, she just smile on, cutting her cake and serving her friends, giggling and laughing .. and all these actions, happily.

while for the man .. he's gone.

as i walked, the wind blows hard. i try to smile a little and then put my hands in my pocket, tighten my arms bringing them close to my body to warm myself, and as i stared blankly into space .. walking and wandering into nowhere.

although there are many people like me .. there are many people around me .. many people of different faces. but i felt i'm in my own dimension.

simply put, i'm lost and i travel back time .. back to four years ago and travelling back to .. today.

i saw me in the past .. those wrong-doings and those mistake .. was unforgivable. i cannot pardon myself.

my heart shrunk and something squeezed it real hard .. i guess, the demon from the past has come back for revenge.

a birthday was meant to be happy and it was meant to signify something. isnt it?

and i don't know about it at all.

i'm sorry ..

and as my thoughts starts to come back to the present ..

i felt a strong feeling rush up from my body to my head .. my eyes felt itchy and theres something inside my pupil, keep moving and running about .. slowly it circles and circles around the iris of my eye .. my face felt warm and my lips starts to swollen ..

i bit my lip. i blinked my eye. and i took a deep breath and looked up the sky.

the moon along with the many stars in the sky are shining bright. it was never before, so bright. then the wind blew and it blew strongly, big red flurry dark clouds soon came and cover the entire sky, devour the moon and all the stars, and swallow the beautiful night sky.

"even you abandon me" i thought .. helplessly.

although my vision was very blurred and i can't seem to see clearly. i'm overwhelmed.
but still i can remember seeing the beautiful night sky.. and they were my only companion.

walk and walk on .. i'm out from the endless flow of human traffic.

and still i walked. and something, from the eye, watery beads of pearls kept rolling down my cheek and down to my chin, accumulating, and when they dropped down .. to the ground. like water ..

i know theres nothing more to say .. the guy is not there anymore, some one took over.

but for some day, one day would always be a day .. a significant day. for me to remember. for me to look back at. and hopefully the day .. where i would always put a smile across my face.

i hope.

if the birthday girl cries .. it would only be of joy.

Happy Birthday to You ..

my birthday girl.

hush hush ... don't cry please

She moved her shoulders as her back turned .. her face was turned away from him, tilte to an angle. Suddenly, her movement stops and she starts to shiver a bit. she looks uncomfortable, her hair covering her petite face, she seems in distress and is avoiding all means of eye contact.

she seems upset, she seems sad .. probably she is not happy, and why won't she say anything?

he went over .. she turned around ..

she is upset and her face was wet.

The once pretty round petite cute cheeks is now filled up by rosy red colour, the cute little small nose he once praised her for, has shrunk down to little cherry-like small ..

he couldn't bear to look further .. her tried to hold her .. he tried to cuddle her rosy cheeks .. it was warm, it is moist and he can feel the tremor on her smooth rosy moist cheek..

as she try to speak .. beads of pearly little tears roll down her cheeks, it was warm, he can feel it in his hands..

she stummer and she murmured. her voice was unclear. she tried to speak .. but as she starts, gush of tsunami like waves of tears kept rushing out and rolling over the pearls of tears, into a wave of tears, following the contour of her cheek and down to his hands..

he looked.. her eyes sparkle .. and with tears.

she is crying.
she is trying to speak

to him ...

her voice was filled with agony .. a lot of disappointment and sadness.

"hush .. hush .. darling, please dont cry .. please" he plead

never he wanted her to be in such agony and sorrow .. never!
never he wanted her to feel disappointment and in such anguish .. never!

he never wanted her to be in misery and to get hurt in such a manner.

he hold her. her hands, he placed his on hers.
and it was an assurance. to her .. from him ..

"hush hush .. darling, im wrong. dont cry. sorry."
this guy, he is also in as much misery as her .. how he wish time could turn, and he can bear all misery from her, shouldering all suffering to be brought on her, upon him

the last thing he would want to see is tear in her eyes .. if there would be any, it would be of joy.

and he felt salt in his mouth, he felt water, he taste salt .. he felt warm, his face swollen in red and something is rolling down his face.

his eyes too .. sparkles.

he felt her .. he felt the pain.. the misery .. the agony ..

and well

time passed.

days passed and she has grown from strength to strength. the once pearly tears is not in free-flowing mode anymore.

and from far .. he looked at her now. and not once he dared to look from near.

there is a smile on his face ..

happy .. that she now is not a strong girl anymore, but is a stronger woman. and yes, a much tougher and stronger woman.

i remember .. O-Lan, someone i read before .. he hope she is like her, that tough now.

while .. hush hush don't cry ..

is but a thing of the past ....

fear & love II

Love is not fearful, its the thought of losing it .. which makes loving confusing and fearful.

Love should be wonderful .. well, we all hope but sometimes, some unforseen circumstances do happen.

Love used to be so wonderful to me. Love is so mysterious yet simple. how bout you?

there are thousand and one explaination as to what love is, how falling love is like and being in love is the most wonderful feeling on earth.

some people say, to be able to be loved is the most magical thing that could happen to someone. all he/she need to do is to open up their hand and embrace love, and taking in more love by someone who is so deeply in love with them.

how wonderful isnt it?

well, maybe i have second thoughts about that.

to love someone is also wonderful.
to be able to sacrified for someone you loved. to share her/his deepest thoughts. to stand by her/he when in difficult moments and carry all her/his burden. to be able to be there, holding her/his hand telling her/him they are fine. when in time of good, bad, difficult or wonderful moments.

and telling them i will always be by your side.

isnt this more wonderful than just being loved? and being like a love parasite? well, perhaps maybe.

so would you rather be loved or to loved?

what if one day the one you loved most say goodbye to you and just leave you?

there are again one thousand and one reasons to say goodbye. maybe 20% are what we call reasons and the remaining 80% are what we call excuses.

so are they selfish? are they?

it's just like coming to a cross-road junction, and they just let go of your hand and run towards north and never coming back, and you are still at the cross-road?

you really love him/her and they do this to you. are you angry or sad or probably disappointed and don't know what to do b'cos you're still confused and in a daze.

well, you never expected it .. isnt it?

is this fear?
fear of losing something you love so much yet he/she left you in a hurry with no explaination.
or is there a need of one actually?

will you yearn for her/his return one day? will you??
maybe time will tell .. its always a big question mark.

will you be sad if one day you saw her/him again and the one beside her/she is not you? you would probably thought .. last year wasnt like that. and why now?
why she/he do this to me?

are you the saddest person on planet earth? are you one?

some people would move on and some maybe still linger in the past. there are some questions we can always ask ourselves but yet will never be solved.

however, there should be no fear in love .. well, maybe thats what i believe.

but the thought of losing love creates fear, bcos deep down our heart we know we wouldnt want some unforseen circumstances to come true. why? bcos we treasure them. and losing it hurts.

well, isnt it? true .. ?

bcos for me, regardless of the fear, i still prefer to love someone. instead of be loved, though losing it maybe very a very terrible and unthinkable feeling again.
but seeing the one i love is happy, seeing her million dollar laughing portrait, is something money can never buy.

just the thought of waiting for the girl i love most to come dispel all fear in love.
bcos fear doesnt exist in my love.

finally ..

love is like a game, everyone follow the simple rule of to loved or to be loved. the rewards are damn sweet and the punishment could be very harsh. love game is a repetition, but it doesnt mean you need to play this game several times to be an expert in it.

frankly i suck in it .. and perhaps you don't ..

anyway, to all people in love .. good luck!