yesterday's happiness

happiness, something that has eluded me for months and months. sometimes, i really forget what happiness is.

all the laughter, smiles, giggling, gush of blood to the head feelings. they have become so remote to me. as i can remember, happiness is something good. we feel good, we feel happy and we feel blessed and being love, probably.

well, these months. along the road, in the streets and everywhere. I see people, laughing. i see families, blessed with a few adorable children, although they maybe noisy and naughty at times, but they are laughing, shouting, smiling.

i envy the kids. they're happy. enjoying moment of happiness

i saw couples. hand in hand. though they might not be always smiling and laughing. but the concern look on the guy to the girl when she paused and stopped and felt pain somewhere. and the girl cuddling the guy's cheek and giving him a peck on the cheek. assuring him that she's perfectly fine. and they walked on. smiling and yes, happy!

i envy the girl. i envy the guy. they're happy. happiness? but i think maybe thats love.

is it true that happiness is so hard to attained? is it true that money can buy happiness? is it true that happiness is a rare thing?

balls man, why happiness doesnt come knocking my door anymore? when will be my turn again.

happiness ... where.. are .. you .....

happiness.. *smile*

that happiness, i once had was beautiful. i can remember it was magical.

i am happier than the kids playing on the streets, i am happier than the couple, cuddling and touching each other.

but a mistake .. took this magical emotion away..

one mistake everybody will make, but this time round it's costly. but nevermind.

just yesterday, i felt happiness again. though its nothing compared to last time.
compared to the kids and the couple's happiness.

but it was rare, it was expect the unexpected, but in the "i-cant-believe-it" way.

good or bad, i don't want to know
right or wrong, doesnt matter.

i just want to savour this little magical moment of happiness and hope theres more to come ..

are you blinking at me now? *grins*

exclusively from me to you

To the girl who this guy love so much ..

this guy dont really care what all woman in this world thinks .. neither he cares about how they behave.. but what he really cares is this girl he love so much.

this girl came to his life. 4 years ago.

she brought him happiness, she made him understand what laughter is. she made him know what is care & share & to concern.
she would always care for him. she would always put him in first priority.

to him the love she gave is nothing in this world can replace.

this past 4 years is full of happiness and sorrow.

he is sorry to bring her sorrow .. many times. maybe when judgement day comes. he would get his retribution. he neglected her sometimes and maybe sometimes seems unattentive to her.

but this girl is still strong and carrying on.

he remembers 4 years ago...

Starting from the now closed down Metro at the basement of Far East Shopping Centre.
To HardRock Cafe.
To a japanese KTV.
To the japanese restaurant
To Bugis Street Seiyu.
To the store Veeko
To the Singtel shop at City Link.
To her attachment at Kallang Basin.
To various places, selling OCBC cards.
To her 1st the job at Parkway Parade.
To her job at Amore.

and finally to her current job at CBD area ..

throughout this years .. he has waited patiently for her, for whatever she do. not b'cos she is demanding nor she is un-reasonable.

but he promise himself. from the day, when she came back to him.

HE will take care of her to the day he die. this he promise to himself. his responsibility to her, and not a man on a noble mission. or i should say, this is what he really live for. his ambition. to be a good father.

to be a good boyfriend. then husband. then a father. to him, these are the most noble job in the world.

well, to the day when everything finally ends..

the times, he sent her home. the times, they were together.

these are memories never will ceased and will be brought down together to his grave. together with the greatest secret they shared.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE HAVE TO SAY TO HER .....

The road we had walk together though maybe short. but, 4 years through our growing up stage is not easy.
Remember the day when we went to see the Easter Day Show at Jurong City Harvest Church?
nothing has been forgotten.
Remembering those Poly days where we would have dinner after your dance lesson .. and I finally after much persuasion, attended your dance concert.
I never forget.
Remembering that long road under the MRT track, we used to walked home. holding your hand, I cannot forget the sight of your smile. looking at me. with much innocence. your contagious laughter and the cheerful you.

what i forget is those harsh words .. you said to me. i have cleanly forgotten.

you would always telling me to accept my sister-in-law and my brother. but i am always not willing to. you would always be there, to be my middle person.

i never will ever forget.

you were always telling me to take care of my little brother .. but i never. im sorry.
you were always telling me to dress when going out with you. but i never. im sorry.

you really changed my world. you really changed me.

I really try to do more .. but sometimes along the road. i may fumble & i stumble but you were always there to forgive me and accept me.

i pray to GOD every night .. i hope you are safe and sound and please .. bring you happiness.
GOD answered my prayers.

i still see your pictures. you're happy. you're smiling. you're still beautiful and i still love you.

i saw a glimpse of you last week. my heart stopped. time stood still.

as captivating as ever.

throughout this years nothing beats the sight of seeing you laugh and smiling with such innocence. nothing beats the sound of your laughter and nothing beats the protrait of your smiling face looking at me ..

remembering the japanese picture you exclusively took for me. it was enchanting. it was everlasting.

though maybe things are different now. but nevermind. i'm ok.

I yearned that one day we can be together again. but I know, chances are probably down to the slimest of all chances.

you quote ..

"Efforts becomes too late as a heart that has died will never revive, it will only regrow in new spot where a new seed has been sown."

with tears, i look at this writing. with much despair, i have. theres nothing much to say.

please don't say those words. Let us just follow GOD's will. whatever will be will be.

but please remember that, the old spot is not there anymore, it is now moving into a more sunlight place, it is now revitalising itself. no more the same old spot. times have changed.

from a better person to an even better person .. as to love you more, i have to love myself even more.

i just hope one day .. this heart will again be revive. but anyway, im just deceiving myself.

you have opened up all doors in me.. but you never said goodbye and you left the key on the floor. Its really painful. but as you have expected. i never fall. b'cos i know you wouldn't want to see me like this.

i have bounced back, stronger as ever. but you're not there anymore.

i never blame you, i never harbour any hate. but more and more love for you.

i quote you again ...

" He is not the person in the world, with neither looks nor out-going character, i was attracted, he reflects my inner self, his gloomy perceptive towards relationships tempted me, it challenges me to open this locked door. I started carving our relationship "

i hope i can have the opportunity to have one last chance again.

i quote myself

" You are the only person in this world who managed to open up my heart, wide open. You are not the most beautiful girl, 4 years ago. You character, frightens me, 4 years ago. but like how you felt to me.. your inner self reflects me. it totally complement mine. in you i see light, a bright tunnel of light to free me from my dungeon of darkness. No one in this world can make me feel this way, ever again. Your smile, Your laughter, Your cheerfulness. I fall for you, totally"

you have succeeded in your initial challenge to open up this stubborn door.

In you i see life, but not a solitary life. but life, of faith, hope and love.

and Finally,

this past few months, were all sleepless nights, tears and eternal sadness. memories would always flood me. even till now. day and night, images of you only.
but when i see that you're happy, and i am happy.

i don't ask myself questions anymore. b'cos, this time round, i don't respect your decision. you have been making crucial decisions for these years. and before i could make mine. you decided it was final.

this time, you're selfish. this time. i wouldnt allow you to tell me what to do anymore.

but i don't blame you, b'cos my love for you is so much greater than hatred. the hatred is drowned in my sea of love. and i would want to wait for you.

but i could only see you from far. my love can only be passed through from GOD to you.

i really hope to live my life with you. but, i guess .. there are no more options left for me.

but im very happy, happy to know that you were once so deeply in love with me before. and even if i were to leave. there would always be a smile across my face.

Lastly, with tears i end this final sentence and with immersed pain..

i hope you be happy always ...

there will never be any one like you, is to me.. you would always be my one and only Ailing.




Faithfully
Bryan

fate & destiny

sometimes.. while taking the MRT or bus. you look around. and HEY! you saw this person, well, not bad looking. what luck you thought to yourself.

you look at the time. probably tomorrow when i take this train at this time, this carriage, i maybe able to see her/him.

and you smile to yourself. *smile*

and the next day .. you follow your schedule.. same time, same train, same carriage.
but different people, different feelings. as expected. she/he is not there.

maybe you would sigh and look out to the sky. *haiz*

and most probably you would ask yourself... whats fate? whats destiny? but nevermind. maybe whats yours is yours and if it does happen thats fate. but if it doesnt then .. its destiny. destined to be.

I walk along a long empty path way .. beside the river beside esplanade.

I can't help but to stop and look at the skies.

there're hundreds of people around me. but i felt im just in my own private space. and soon..

my memories flooded me..

i remember there was once. i'm locked to the outside world. but then someone came in and unlocked everything.

someone came and bring happiness to every corner in me. unlocked every doors i have.

then .. someone just left and leave all the doors open .. but just locked the front door, and left the key in front of the door. and my memories just stood at there..

i don't know whether did someone duplicate a return spare key? well, most probably, someone just left the key and left in a hassle. most likely thats the case.

and i don't know. really..

probably the past has come back again .. i dont know why .. its kinda scary but .. i also dont know why. loneliness again? yes?

*frown*

yes, someone's special .. i never lie, i never lie on anything about someone. yes, someone hurt me and left plenty behind. but i never harbour hate. i just put all my stakes on love. love for myself. love to hope .. and love to look at the skies.

*sigh*

as i look up to the skies. the blue sky with shady streaks of orange, yellow & red above the horizon. it's so beautiful. and on the river, a perfect carbon-copy of this beautiful image.

then a vehicle driving past the bridge. and this could be the last time, i would see this vehicle passing the bridge.. probably.

this flcok of birds flying across the skies, behind a picture of the tall majestic skyscrapers. flying over beautiful sunset.

the street lights, uniformly, started to light up. and there's Mr Moon, appearing. smiling at me behind the tall skyscraper.

and yes, a day has ended.

well, i still don't know whats fate & destiny. but i'm grateful to someone who has come and left a lot of things inside me. but i don't think thats enough. but what to do?

and this would probably be the last time.. i would do a "open-house", ever again..

and probably fate is just like sitting on a kerb, looking and just waiting for someone to come again. while destiny is probably when someone comes along, and you decide to end this waiting game and quit this game for this someone.

and again, i remember, seeing the sunrise, and there's a plane rising higher and higher beyond the horizon.. and the morning train, across this beautiful picture.

and yes. its again .. a new day.

and now, im a follower of fate and a believer of destiny.
mmm.. what a joke huh?

fate & destiny?

* joke? is it?

my regrets

in the darkness, where loud dance music prevails and everyone seems like indulging into their fantasy world. they dance to the rythmn & move with the groove. and with the occasional beam of bright blue, red, yellow and white moving ray of lights. it shone down on the crowd of moving people.. it was a scene of chaos! craziness! and perhaps a scent of evilness!

everyone seems to be so excited whenever the introduction of a new song. and when it comes to the song of their favour. the area will bust with cheers .. and the movement wil grow even more vigourous.

in a sea of hands, a view of intense movement of people in the dark. the loud music is just like a chanting of matra and people are praying to the darkness.

some people are high on alcohol, some are high on the music, some just enjoy the scene of skimpy-dresses ladies, while some just move to the latest song.

while some like me.. just look on.

i just imagine ... what if one day, one fine day. if the emergency button is being pressed. which is to say, war is declared upon our country.

what would we do?

it is not a economical warfare .. but yes, it is a military warfare.

curfew will be imposed. the president will declare a state of emergency. citizens would be evacuated into the bomb shelter.
while the man. man of the country. and yes, the man would wear the green uniform and to the frontline.
to defend our country.

we can imagine..

this man, changed to his uniform. and there, his parents .. looking at him, crying with extreme sadness. bcos, they know, and this man know, that the road in front is uncertain, survival is down to the most minmium.
he went in front and hug his mum, his dad, his brothers & sisters.

he is a brave man. but, the only thing on his mind is not on survival. but whether his family could see the next daylight.
and maybe, the next kin he would want to see is his girlfriend or maybe his wife.

both hug. and both cried. there is much they havent do. but time is running out. he regret the times he neglected her. he regreted the times he took her for advantage. he really regreted not spending quality time and attention to her.

but all is but.. too late.

he have to go. and she know.

maybe in a few moments .. the first fleet of enemy bomber planes would arrive. the whole battalion of enemy troops would station at the border, waiting for the command to invade. and he deeply knows that, life would be taken in hundreds, in thousands, in millions. and he knows, all his kin would certainly be among these people.

and what would be of us?

the crowd you would see at the IT fair would be gone, the shoppers at orchard road would also be gone. the streets would be empty and whats left are the debris from massive destruction. crying people, dead people, people.. poor people. people would have lost their love ones. people who had again witness.. a destruction. the power of what hatred did to them, the destruction of war. and what's worst. the loss of another family member. and their love ones

well, my friends.

sometimes. things we have we took for granted. especially those beside us and around us.
be it your family or your love ones.

for some people, it is only after when they lost the only one he love then will he feel sad. but what's the use? when all is gone. she has gone for better pasture.

when the day comes. it is not you whom she would kiss and say goodbye. it is not you whom she would wait day and night to come back. and it is certainly not you, whom that man in the picture she would treasure and safeguard for all her life.

yes .. loud and clear.. IT IS NOT YOU! understand??

As another century has passed and where it is 2 world war that this world has witness. and we are moving into a new century. we never know, but to expect the unexpected.

for all my friends. treasure the one, be it family, your love ones, or your friend.

you never know when they might leave you or you might leave them.

please, please, don't regret. its something never good, and never will be.

it would be a crying shame if you do. please dont.

treasure them. don't regret.

*cos i had lost her but all is not lost yet
and a tribute to my best buddy - kiat & alfred.

would you marry me?

imagine one day, the girl you love most. the one and only woman in the world you treasure most. in her most beautiful fairy attire. standing in front of you.

and perhaps .. maybe, with an old man, you afraid most.

with their arms interlocked, they walked towards you. and yes, that old man with the girl, the girl you love and willing to die for.

with tears in her eyes, tears of joy, she smiled. that sparkle in her eyes. it's just so heavenly. and surprisingly, that old man also .. cried. with, maybe sad? but i bet thats happiness. tears of sadness and happiness. for he, that old man you dread most is going to hand you his prized asset. and yes, it's free! but you exchange it with promises and a lot of commitment.

b'cos .. in a moment .. she is going to be. the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with, for good and for bad. for as long as you live.

she is your wife.

as they walk down the aisle, it was like a moment of true. it was magical, just like the prince and princess in the fairy tale. it's like heaven open up, with thousand of angels .. singing hymms of joy and chorus of happiness. all heavenly and earthly being are spreading joy, they are giving out endless happiness.

everyone smile. everyone cried. with tears, they clapped. they shout cheers of joy!
it's like a beam of light shone down from the sky, it was magical, it was so unreal. it was so heavenly.

and yes. it is your wedding.

you saw her mom and your mom sitting there, crying their hearts out. and you would probably smile.
maybe you thought to yourself. "mom, thank you for bringing me up. i guess its time. i had to do what a man have to do. i really love her, i know you share the same sentiment too! don't cry mom, cos i will still be here! i will always still be me!"
and probably to her mom. " thanks auntie! thank you for trusting me. i assure you i will do a good job in giving her more than what you're capable of! i really love her, i know you know it too. pls don't cry. cos we will come back, ok?! i promise you i will love her and take care of her! trust me!"

and there they are. still crying their hearts out. and you really can't help but to feel and think that. well, mummys are always gonna be mummys after all. and i love them so.

you stood there .. with your best man. you stood there, stunned. never before had you dream this might come true. never before feeling, and never before she was so angel-like. it is so hard to believe.. and yes, its true. she is going to be yours ... forever. it is a forever love. a forever life-long commitment.

in an instant .. you trace back to the times when both of you met. both of you were students. and perhaps you don't know why, but something magnetic about her kept attracting you to her. and maybe you, not the most handsome looking around, was somehow or rather .. was attracting her too. maybe it was fate? or perhaps, maybe some would say destiny? well, i maybe would simply put it as love.

its just so simple. may be a little mushy, but .. its just love.

and then .. you thought of the good times, that old bench where you people would date after movie. that same old route which you would hold her little hand and walk her home, promise that no matter what, even if heaven falls. i will be there.
you thought of the bad times. harsh words were exchanged. days of cold war. tears of disappointment. tears of mis-understanding. you try so hard, but somethings you fail.

but still .. times heal and things change for the better. that joy you both share and all those sorrows you both had beared. it is all coming back, in an instant.

and you. still standing there. and as she walks closer and closer. she is just that beautiful, so gorgeous and that elegant. that moment of truth is not far away from you.

and you. still afraid of that old man.

and remembering, it was a hard battle, after years of communicating with him, from the day you first met him. to the day where you had a really hard time convincing him to trust you.
I will do a better job! i swear by my life to you. trust me. pls trust me. you tell him. it was the hardest job you ever did in your life.
and that was the most truthful and most sincere sentence, you would probably ever said in your whole entire life.

finally, your lovely bride is there, standing just in front of you. right before you.

"i'm handing over her to you, pls take good care of her."

the old man hand her to you reluctantly. probably there isn't any tears. but deep down, you know it. it was not a good feeling. but you feel thankful to him. you feel glad. and you're in-debt to him. and he, that old man, your new "daddy" .. well, your father-in-law

ironically the man you fear most .. hands the one you love most, to you, the guy he dis-trust most.

and with that, you and her swore and exchange vows. and you took out the ring. shall we call it the lord of all rings?
this ring represents everlasting, it is an eternity, it is unity where you two shall wear it to complement one another for a lifetime.

it is a ring not to lock nor control but to care and share, for better or for worst, till death do you apart.

that ring .. the ring that you and her possessed.. ring of an eternal love.

you lift over the veil, looking at you is the one, the only one you love most. you kissed her.

and in an instant, time stand stills ..... the big bells go "dong" "dong" "dong"

its like the creation of the world. heavens opened. and earth rocked. and all happiness suddenly befall on both of you, where all those hymms of joy & happy chorus & songs of love were sung to the both of you. you are being blessed and witness by the universe, by the creator of all - love.

its something one can only dream of. but has to experience to feel it.

love is magical. it is the most powerful thing in the world. it can destroy and it can create. but at this moment it sure creates.

so much so that even heavens are moved and skies are opened up to send their best wishes.. to the couple so in love. to the couple who start from nowhere, and can met together and be togther.

may i bless you. and as fairy tale like, live happily ever after!

* ok, lets a while, don't think of the aftermath of marriage, ok! i know the post-marriage progress "problem" package, alright. let's just enjoy this joyful occasion!
=]