november rain

Yesterday, I was in town.

The weather was wet, it was cold, walking in the midst of the crowd doesn't help .. at all.

I saw a toy fair, inside a shopping centre .. a Barbie fair. Although it was nothing special, but the laughter of the children, those energetic runs and shout-a-bout and the wailing crying scream of THOSE children.

cute kids .. but with mixed feelings.. *grins*

I like children, as for the little girl who kept screaming .. probably make me think twice about having a daughter. haha ..

I'm famished. I've walked for quite some time.

I ate a bowl of hot noodle soup.

I looked at the beautiful picture in front of me .. maybe the sky is gloomy, the weather is cold and the river freezing .. the city looks victorian, it looks like a rainy London Street ..

it looks misty .. it looks mysterious .. a totally different feel of the same old city view, which i have seen many times.

I'm okay now .. but why the city in turn, has become a gloomy figure? well, whatever.

I walked .. looking at people. i wonder why people nowadays looked better?

To find out why, i went to the toilet ..

I looked at myself .. erm ..okay, i think i know why .. *smile*

oh well, i guess for most girls, mini-skirt and spaghetti tops are always in fashion .. regardless of the weather .. and not forgetting the never-dying japan-inspired dressing.

I was attracted by a familiar sound and i went to a music store .. I saw something familiar .. I saw Ayumi Hamasaki's new album .. called BlueBird or something like that. I wonder when was the last time i remember i bought an album of her's.

I remember Ayumi .. I remember the pretty smile .. and I will never forget the Ayumi that brought us together.

i remember, she used to tell me Ayumi is the best. She would know all her song .. and she would always snap off the latest album.

I got an urge to buy the album .. but, maybe, most probably .. there's already no need for me to. Maybe Ayumi has already become a historical figure to me .. well, maybe.

*sigh*

I walked out.

The weather became more colder as night falls. The crowd intensifies. At least, this crowd keeps me warm a little bit.

Sad to say, a few moments later .. the cloud thickens, the skies turned red, it then gave a loud roar and it rain. heavy at first .. then it drizzles.

I wonder why it kept raining? Then i remember, its November, then December, then Christmas ..

Christmas .. i wonder how its like to sit round a dining table, like in movies, with a group of people, eating Christmas Turkey.

In my 20 odd years .. I never celebrated Christmas .. How is it to sit around a cosy dining table? How is it to eat a Christmas Turkey?

I really dont know.

the cold night, the crowd and the drizzling-snow-like rain .. it really makes me feel Chirstmas is just couple of hours later ..

Although i know not much about Christmas.. but i do know how to sing Jingle Bell.

*smile*

Thinking and thinking .. i remember my best friend wrote this ..

" I used to think that youngsters that only party, getting wasted and messed up, cam-whoring their overexposed photos of them in the black spiraling process of it were idiotic, shallow, money-wasting and hind-sighted. "

But somehow .. he wrote this too..

" If I have a beer right now, I will raise a toast to the wasted bastards, the young and the stupid. "

thats what youth's all about .. totally agree now, my friend. Hope we're not too old to understand.

but is there time for me to be a wasted bastard, the young and the stupid youth?

if there is .. is there a chance?

i sincerely think so ..

but isnt Christmas a time to be with your loved ones? but as for now .. it is true only to a certain extent.

Looking at the once, beautiful night .. and the now cold November Rain ..

but well, its okay, compared to last year's .. I felt much warmer this year ..

November 2005, there's a song .. I'm stuck with it, even until now ..

Lastly .. I hope that this year's 2006 Christmas, Mr Santa Claus can grant me a wish .. just one will do ..

before November ends .. December comes ..

haha .. fat hope ..

i guess~


"
缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两行来自秋末的眼泪
让爱渗透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边
"


nothing last forever ...



even cold november rain ..

this day is going to come

It was just yesterday over coffee with a good office mate of mine, when suddenly he said this to me, "Hey, at this age, shouldnt we be talking about things that are more serious, why are we still talking about army daze? ".

Although this means nothing, but it just ponders me ..

A lot of times, i have been talking about how time flies .. how things have changed, things i have seen, things that people have been talking about and also things that people around me are doing.

race against time indeed! haha .. no joke.

Every week, my friend would tell me about their job, my friend in an IT firm would tell me about how they are being exploit, always doing much more than they should and endless assignment and of course tonnes of unwilling OT, BUT the pay remains the same.

2 of them ..

Another one, working in a bank would do day after day of OT, he would tell me his lunch would always been on his desk and he would report for work in the early morning and by the time he leave .. everywhere would be deserted. He will be so tired that the next natural thing to do is to sleep.

While another working as a technician trainee has AWOL since many weeks ago .. 2 air force technician has since found another world of their own, where, it is a rare thing to see them now. And there's one more, he used-to be a financial planner and is now working as a relations officer, unwillingly, but he's happy anyway.

while theres a still a good friend of mine, is working working with SPH in the HR dept while waiting for his course in NTU to start. And also one of my best friend, he is working as a event planner and is going to his second year. Everything is like so fast that it was just last week, when he joined the company.

another one of my best friend will be starting his job as a nurse, next year.

while some have already married and one just registered for a house.

and many have already applied for a slot in the university.

At this point of time. everyone is slogging for a living. and many are still in the infant stage of either a successful career or into their studies.

and as for me?

I'm still well-protected in a comfort zone, but will be re-joining the society soon.

But the fact is the whole lot of my friends are scared. Though most are working, but is it enough? enough to start a family? enough to buy a car? buy a flat? and before all this, enough to get married?

as guys, a hell lot of responsibility lies on our shoulder. But are we shifting responsibility? NO! well, thats only MY opinion, others .. i don't know.

who wouldnt want their future spouses to enjoy good life? who wouldnt want to buy a nice flat or a nice car? and in future, a good education for their child?

One of an easy way out would be to sign-on as a soldier regular. Its good pay, annually bonuses, attractive welfare and benefits, excellent career advancement and best part is if you're not a screw-up person and as long as you work hard and show a decent conduct. This job is for life and altogether with these perks. It's all so well-planned and you're well protected.

but to get all these, you need to exchange with absolute freedom. Well, anyway it's good and bad.

I've already got my plans out for the next decade .. minus the marriage part.

which i think is fortunate for me, as most of my peers are still unsure of what they're going to do or are just doing things which they're doing now, blindly.

A degree though paves way for a good career but it sure cannot guaranteed you big money, but in this current society, we need it, as it also reflects one's social status. And its a cold hard reality!

it is not going to be easy, i know. But nothing in life is easy, isnt it? and what do i have to lose? or rather we have to lose?

Of course marriage is something i have thought of, but .. its just a split second thinking.

There was once a good girl, but I'm young and naive, i admitted it. There're many things i should have do. Well, although I still really misses her much, but .. anyway, lets just see how it goes.

Everybody is learning, so am I.

Throughout these months, i have been counting for days to pass and to the day when i can finally join my friends. To achieve what i am going to achieve. For i have already rest well, and think about all the things that i want to accomplished.

i'm so glad im feeling so excited and wanting to get it done, rather than feeling scared ..

though, it is so near yet so far, but the days are counting ..

" 谢谢你让我听见 因为我在等待永远 "

i felt the sun too

Just yesterday, when i woke up and was going to the toilet. i notice a big 11 word on the wall. OH, it was my calender .. and it suddenly remind me that it is now November, November 2006. and i remember, the last few entries i wrote were in Sept and the first was in April

Speaking of time flies ..

Looking back my diary, i remember the lady in the MRT, looking at a lovely baby, she was smiling, her eyes filled with joy and hope.

and there it was, the corner .. we used to stand. our corner. and when the MRT reached my destination, Jay Chou would start to sing his song again.

I would remember the smile, that make me laugh and make me cry, and now that smile has since, vanished. i remember, i still crave for that smile till now.

i would defend local girls, citing that they're not as bad as what the press would always describe .. as a materialistic and highly ego-ed creatures. for i thnk they're just the minorities or maybe it is just an issue being magnified three-folded.

our local female product are still good people. i say

And i wrote about the life of waiting. as siting at the side of the road. always waiting for that someone to come and hold your hand.

to be a companion. to be a friend. a lover. or maybe an acquaintance.

someday, we can't be siting and waiting all the time, we need to stand up and move on.

and still i remember couple of months ago .. the loneliness i had, the helplessness i felt and the feeling of sadness.

while some significant dates has passed and things i have done. they're not important anymore.

the last time i saw the smile was on April's Fool .. and what a fool i was.

*smile*

I look at the morning sun shine, the beams of rays shining, i felt the warmth of the sun.

i felt the gentleness of the morning sun, it's so wholesome, so cosy and it really felt comforting.

It suddenly came to me that in one plus month's time. it is going to be another year - Year 2007.
Everytime, when i look at the sky. i felt i'm like standing at the door, waiting for something, probably something to happen. while all this, time has passed me by.

and i thought of the girl, whom would once, always smile to me..

i dont know of any wonderful memories that i gave .. but i know i have already gave my blessings .. which i think, it should already be a wonderful gift to someone.

well, all of us saw sunshine coming. Both of us felt hope. its not only you, but me too. though the interpretation might not be the same. but it should feel the same.

as long as someone's happy. so am i.

really thank GOD for sharing those problems with me.

if im happy everyday .. everyday is a happy day.

Have you seen the sun yet? i have.

i not only seen it but feel it too!

"
刮风这天 我试过握着你手
但偏偏 雨渐渐大到我看你不见
还要多久 我才能在你身边
等待放晴的那天
也许我会比较好一点

从前从前 有个人爱你很久
但偏偏 风渐渐把距离吹得好远
好不容易 又能再多爱一天
但故事的最后
你好像还是说了拜拜
"

till we meet again.

about the girl he love

it's about a girl

he thought she was strong, but no, she hasn't been as strong as he thought she might have become to.

her tears still flow .. like small pearls flowing .. as it roll down, it sparkles with agony and much despair .. for he can feel.

why is she still in so much pain? why is she still so confused and still filled with fear?

there is so much thing hiding inside her .. she tried to seek a cure and she tried to make things better .. but all is only for a moment.

why are you still crying? why are you still in agony and filled with despair?

she is a lovely young girl .. she is seeking what all lady in this world is seeking for .. a place to hide when she's afraid, a place to harbour when she is tired and someone to care for her, to show concern upon her and to love her, that pure and that simple ..

but the world isn't that fair sometimes.

she knows it and i think she understands this reality very well.

she try to seek love .. but sometimes, things may get a little upset, sometimes.

but, isnt it better to be loved than to love?

to be loved.. isnt it the best feeling in this world? or apparently it's not?

she kept appearing in his dreams. and he don't know why, but we, chinese believed that when you're always thinking of someone in the day, most probably you would dream of her in the night.

and she's still that same angelic pretty cute girl whenever she appeared in his dream. its magical and wonderful .. she still looks radiant

and he knows that she knows.

the girl .. she knows that, he is always here waiting.. and she knows that he is talking to her.

she knows.

but she's not reciprocating..

she knows that he still love her.

but why is she still seeking for love?

isn't it better to be loved by someone than to love someone ... isn't it?

but why?

she knows that he is listening to all the words she spoke.

she knows all this..

she once told him that once the flower has wither and it can never be regrown again in the same spot, but to a different spot.

but does she know that that old spot is once again much fertile and nurturing to be a good soil once more?
it has become more fertile and more nourished as before .. waiting for the flower to come and grow to a even stronger and more attractive flower.

if the other spot is no more fertile, and the flower has to be battered by strong wind and harsh weather..

it is willing to compete with the best soil in the world, it is willing to be more fertile than the best soil in the world and it is willing to make itself into the best nursery in the world just for this pretty flower to grow ..

would the flower please come back? he wonder.

but he knows that he cannot give her promises anymore.. but actions to justify his words.

actions to prove what he meant.

bcos he knows the fear of losing something important, and now he knows what is important and what is not.

naived, he has proved that he once was. for humble goes a long way..

and all this he has learnt and taught him to grow up and to be a better man.

while losing is more painful and more hurtful than any other thing else ..

it is losing the one when you thought she isnt all, but after losing it then you realised that she's everything.. it is as devastating as any disaster in the world.

he lost her and he really regret and with much despair, he hope he can really do something to have her back.

he hoped that she will know ..

months ago, he gave her a chance .. she told him to.

but time has passed ..

now, he hoped that she can give him this precious chance once more.

and he hope one day, she can see him standing right in front of her.

smiling and telling her its alright .. everything is nothing but a nightmare. and she can thus rest in his arms.

if she is to get hurt, may her share with him.

if she is to feel pain, may her spilt it with him.

and if she is to be loved.

let him .. be the one to love her..

he has walked the beginning passage stage of life with her before, and he hope he can walk the next final half passage of life with her forever ..

he hope she knows..

to the girl, he love.

he would hope you know ..

cos heaven knows ..