love and marriage

Today is 16th December 2010, and it is also the first time i am writing in the afternoon. Most of the time, i prefer to write in cover of darkness, that's when all the thoughts come bubbling out, I'm more relaxed and in the mood to write - about me (of course).

I will write about love and marriage, as this issue has been in my head for a long time ..

Thus the existence of meloveworld ..

I yearn to be in love, and so are my peers and fellow men, but many don't admit it. Men like freedom, love power and don't like to be tied down. This is true for everyone including me. However, when I speak to most of my male friends, they dread this subject; they cite two main reasons, which is commitment and losing freedom.

No young men likes to commit when we're in the time of our life and losing freedom, when finally we're off the clutches of our mother. It just doesn't make sense for a guy to chain himself back when finally he is un-chained.

The thing is everyone is selfish, we maybe in love with someone but we still want to be in love with other someone - The freedom to choose. The freedom to do what he wants to when he has money and money gives them the power to achieve certain things that promises alot of fun.

I learned to love someone many years back then, but only after I lost her. I promises alot but didn't deliver and in the end, she seek better pastures; not for the money, but for better love and security. What i meant by love?

To care and to share, that someone whom you can vision with, and that person will walk along with you along the journey towards future. Building a future together.

"Its the journey, building a relationship and experiencing the good and bad that counts." This cliche phrase comes from a recent colleague of mine. He is 41 years old, drives a BMW 5 series and has as much cash as his contemporaries. He gave this advice to me, when he knew I was seeing someone.

I remember I asked him before why he's still single and not getting married? He kept avoiding my question and dodge it away tactfully. I knew he was not comfortable and I didn't pursue. But when somehow, when we got closer he told me he was a divorcee, and not once but twice.

He knew he made a mistake somewhere, somehow but still he had to live with it. No point looking at the past, cos it has passed. Life should be wonderful isn't it?

Maybe you would say why listen to a divorcee? some one who has failed not once but twice? I didn't asked him further. But looking into his eyes, I know that to divorce is not his choice, or rather he didn't have a choice.

Everyone has a story.

I had an opportunity years ago, a rosy one, but I blew it away. I didn't realized it untill couple of years later. I was in love - before. But the young me back then didn't know it.

I kept telling her that we need to build a bridge of trust in order for this to work out. But i slapped myself in the face. She did, but I didn't. I didn't went for any vices neither did i committed infidelity, but she trusted me more than i trusted her.

I doubted her love for me was genuine. Well, maybe yes or maybe no. It doesn't matter; she's now happily married and I am happy for her.

This was what she wanted years back. I couldn't give it to her, a better guy did.

So now, I guess it's a good time for me to seek for love. I never admitted it but I guess, I have to be truthful to myself. I'm at a good age and in a good position and I'm looking for one.

I've dropped my "excessive baggage" years ago. Because I don't want to embark on a new journey with old baggage, doing which would be unfair to her and certainly not doing me any favor either.

The past has passed, moved on. The future is real.

A lot of my married friends told me that marriage is bad, and one shouldn't be tied down, but still they are tied down. Why? Routine lifestyle, loss of freedom and the painful reality of responsibility, these are some of the possible reasons. They might come in other permuted forms but some how they evolved around the same reasons.

Honestly, I didn't know what to comment much about marriage. But to me, marriage is an action that demonstrate the love of a couple (besides marriage of convenience, of cos). Giving a status to this relationship and the promise to commit further and bringing it up to the next level, high up and away. This is all besides the legal procedures.

Marriage is like rubber-stamping a relationship, authorizing and authenticating the relationship.

"To love, to hold and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse till death do us part"
Our MM Lee Kuan Yew's favourite phrase to her wife who has since departed. Well, as much as I don't like this old man and the funeral has become sort of a local Romeo and Juliet act. But I must say, I like this old man's love for his wife .. hand in hand, journey till the end (although only one left, old man remains).

Well, i had this short story to tell:

Recently, I board on a bus, while i was sitting on a kerb by the roadside, thinking when will my bus arrived. I was delighted while in the bus, and i had a good time in it. Although the period in the bus was short but somehow i feel like a long period of time.

It is a long long time since, i had this kind of loving feeling. Enjoying the ride, looking at the passing by scenery .. a journey built to last.

But it was not to be. As dark gloomy clouds loom and it suddenly drizzled.

Due to some reasons, I had to press the bell and alighted the bus. Not that i want to, but i probably have to. Initially I thought I would have to sit back on the kerb again and wait for the next bus which probably will take many years to come.

But the bus stopped, moved a bit and stopped. As much as i'm delighted but i had to keep calm and stay relaxed and not be too excited. I wouldn't want to board then alight again, I'm definitely not in for a fast ride or a transit; i'm looking into the long haul.

I just stood there and stare at the bus. Maybe the bus driver would come down or maybe the bus driver won't, I don't know. Or even, maybe the bus driver would just again start the engine and drive off.

Its a cold, wet cloudy afternoon, in the middle of nowhere, we're on a road beside a cliff in a valley surrounded by mountain, and the road is wet and slippery, the cold wind pierce through my skin and the rain hits by face.

I stared at the bus and I walked nearer and nearer to the bus.

The bus driver is staring into space with tears in the eye, rolling down the cheek.

I stopped and looked far into the open mountains and high up into the skies, lighted a cigarette and smoked.

Did the bus driver come down? I hope so. Did the bus drove away? Damn! Did I walked away? I guess not.

Well, the story ended.

Frankly speaking, i feel that what i've wrote so far, doesn't really makes sense to me, and I also don't know what I'm writing about other than the above short story.

But I know I have to write something, to remember today, and what has happen thus far.

I think i really need to light a cigarette, smoke and stared into blank, and also to sleep as this is now 0315am.

But what i really want is to hold a hand and work towards a common something for the future. I've said it so many times, but I didn't really admitted it.

Since i've admitted it, its time to do something .. like now, this is not a sign of desperado but if this is what i'm yearning for, then .. just do it.

Sick and tired of writing "stories", so the next time, hopefully I can really be writing stories!

Good night .. *smiles*


"If you cry 我会明白
If you smile 我也会温暖
走累了 If you don@t mind 和我坐下来看看天的蓝
If you cry 还有我在
If you try 陪你等待
你永远不会孤单
有个人只为了你存在"

陈晓东 - IF


PS. If only .. *yawns*