love stories

time .. is really running faster than i can recall it

tickling and tickling away .. very fast

well, sometimes, i still feel lonely and alone .. but at least, its not here to stay anymore. however, the memories are .. and will always be

when i want words of comfort .. i will speak to my friends, and they will talk tales to me.. tales of stories of love..

there is one story which i felt very comforting when it's being spoke of ..
To find the girl he love, so much .. he travelled across the globe to find her, he knows nothing else as he stepped out of the airport, onto the land of strangers .. other than the name of the country ..
and he would tell me how he would endured the freezing bitter coldness, even with the thick winter clothes on. he could still felt the cold.

and i know and he knows it is not the physical cold which is painful. but, of what the one he love so much did to him .. thats unbearably pain.

i know that sometimes, people do make mistakes .. but sometimes, things are too late, too late to do anything about it anymore .. and in this case, love is blind.

and he would told me about the same old snow track, he would walk miles to find her, and he would tell me in the lonely hotel room, he would gaze at the empty space with the cigarette on his hand and with tears of despair in his eyes.

and he would sit and pray at the ancient old cathedral ..

pray and hope ..

but it never came.

and i understood that helpless feeling very well ..

and there is another story .. unfortunately a sad one again ..

it could be fate or probably destiny or maybe GOD's will, this lady, he would love so much, very much i guess .. and sometimes it makes you wonder if its good or bad.
for a couple of years, they are together. and probably, he may not know that this girl isnt ready to be serious yet .. or is she?

and to the day when they end everything .. for the girl choose the other ship while she is still cruising on this ship.

and he was so depressed. he would locked himself in the room and isolate himself from the world. and everything seems pointless and meaningless .. sad to say, he tried to seek the "easy way" but .. fortunately, his lucky stars are shining super bright on him.
and that was a few years back ..

i used to wonder why such a promising young lad, neither is he poor nor is he an ugly man .. i would wonder why would he allowed himself to be so attached to just one? ..

at least after so long .. i finally know the answer

and there is one more which i know, the girl told him .. to quit his studies, if they are to have another chance to be together again..

which i think is totally absurb ..

and the lady's rational is .. so that he can prove to her that he is 100% committed and so that he can earn more money for a better future together.

and i think .. it totally doesnt make any sense to me .. pure nonsense, childish and bullshit.

and i remember i have a friend, a lady friend who shared with me hers ..

her guy has a lower educational level as compared to hers, as she is a U grad and he is a ITE certificate holder .. and also his job is not as "glamorous" as hers ..

and so, she told me this ..

" if i am up at level 8, i don't mind lowering 2 level to level 6, but is he going up 2 levels to meet with me? i need to feel secure if i were to have a future with him. But here, i'm not being materialistic but rather practical, bcos this is the reality! And if he is not willing to up 2 level at least, then i would have to re-think about our future."

till now, i wish them all the best ..

sounds cruel? but i think its nothing but the truth .. i won't blame the girl.

the reason, is crystal clear ..

through these stories i found comfort .. through experiences i learn .. and it is only when i open my mouth and ask, then i know that i am not the only desperate and hopeless chap around.

just yesterday, i can still remember the cute face of the little girl who knock onto me at the shopping centre ..

she looks adorable .. and she really makes me feel like having a family and born a baby girl with someone, sometime down the road ..

however, as cute as a child might be, she is only cute if she is other people's child ..

sounds funny huh? just think again ..

the reality is cruel but true .. time is really tickling away fast .. sometimes, i really miss somethings, but sometimes .. i guess, well, perhaps just wait and see how ..

treasure what we have, is important .. really


十里平湖霜满天

寸寸青丝愁华年

对月形单望相护

只羡鸳鸯不羡仙

10th Sept Anniversary

today is 10th Sept ..

and one full year has passed .. so painfully quick and .. well, it's really been one year .. already, i guess, and i think .. i'm correct.

no .. i don't think, i'm really correct

i remember that night ... so clearly ..

one year ago, that voice was clear, though it was a bit choking, but it was pretty straight forward.

there is nothing much more to explain, neither is there any chance to re-think again ..

it was clear-cut, firm and very decisive. *i thought*

her decision was clear.

however, probably during that time, i don't seem to get it right .. or did i? well, did i? i forgot .. i guess ..

it was normal not to accept the fact .. it was normal to finally accept everything as what it is .. there are questions however .. questions which i had, and i feel very uneasy about it, and don't feel very good at all.
have i been cheated? or are there a lot of things which i don't know, but are there things which have been pre-planned behind my back?

honestly .. i don't know.

it's a game .. well, i should have know it .. and i lost. and it was only my first attempt in it.

probably the only reason why i lost is .. i took it too seriously

throughout those months, along the way, there were struggles, and plenty of struggles ..
days of not knowing what is happening, times of self-deceiving, hours of deep thoughts and times and many times of feeling helpless would kept overwhelming me.

during the nights .. it would be moments of helplessness .. for hours would passed like years .. and every minute would be filled with endless thoughts ..

images would flashed in my eyes and those images are not what i really see ..

there are many words in me, in my heart, in my thoughts .. words .. unspoken .. and i was horribly mute.

along the way i tried to do some things to savage what's left, i tried to make things happen. but this time .. actions doesnt mean any thing anymore..

as the heart is no longer there .. anything physical is nothing but an empty shell ..

promises and obligations are nothing but words, which doesnt really matter and they don't mean anything .. anymore

it was all but too late ..

it was all and all near to 7 months of self-deceiving .. near to 7 months of self deceived happiness .. and 7 months of .. well .. trapped in my imaginary mini-wonder land.

i have heard the words which i don't ever want to hear it being spoken again ..
i have witness action done to me .. never before .. but it has.

i am hurted..

and i have witnessed .. a heart .. never before .. nakely hurt .. so badly .. shattered to pieces .. devastated & totally crushed.

*smile*

well, nevermind .. that was then. already passed

looking back .. everything was just like yesterday .. everything was just like a horrible nightmare which i would never want to go back that 7 months again.

maybe i thought i had .. but i havent .. i thought i have .. but in fact .. i don't. again .. self-deceiving. everything was virtual and everything was self-thought

but i've woke up.

sad to say, eveything happened at the most helpless period time of my life .. there is nothing i can do. i was under-controlled. the country needs me .. and i have to answer the call. and i had to go.

and probably the foundation is not there? or maybe something happened along the way? who knows?
well, it beats me too!

is this GOD's will or fate? or is it oneself's selfishness? or is it a chance to be given to someone?

i don't know .. really .. i don't know.

there are many doubts which i don't really know.. but it is totally not important t0 me anymore. as unknowns are better be left as unknowns and all unknowns will be buried ..

well, probably it was not anyone's fault .. but its just a matter of choices.

since we're all adults so let's not deceived ourselves anymore. it's the choice you & i made.

it just doesnt make sense if i don't start to look ahead .. isnt it?

AND WELL ...

sometimes, thinking back ..

its so clearly that morning.. just one year ago ..

that morning was a parade celebrating 3 months into my training .. and it was a happy day for me .. for my mom & dad had witness their son .. completing his 1 phrase of national service.
it was a happy day for me as well, as it will be another turning point for me.

the following afternoon was a happy reunion dinner .. at the now closed-down Marche Heeren's. there were many words of encouragement and hours of story sharing .. from all the buddies.

but my mind is not there at all .. i was all the while thinking about the night ..

i bought a stalk of rose and a bar of chocolate .. expecting the night to fall .. to our next meeting ..
and .. who would know that day would be the very end ..

well, i don't.

of course, there are regrets surely .. but i had regretted nothing at all ..

i remember that night .. so clearly ..

"曾經有一份真誠的愛情擺在我的面前，
但是我沒有珍惜，等到了失去的時候才後悔莫及，
塵世間最痛苦的事莫過於此,
如果上天可以給我一個機會再來一次的話，
我會跟那個女孩子說"我愛她",
如果非要把這份愛加上一個期限，
我希望是一萬年."

and you're still so beautiful ..

all about me - 想回到过去

when i was 5 years old in kindergarten. i remember, i was a shy boy .. when mummy left me in the kindergarten on the first day of school. i cried.

i want mummy .. and i'll ask for mummy. i tried to dig my eyes out as i'm afraid of strangers .. i'm afraid of what i see .. of what is to come and i want to go home.

haha .. that was me .. 5 years old. first day of Kindergarten 1.

i remember i would love learning new songs & watching tom & jerry cartoon. the funny mouse would always bully the funny cat .. and till now after so many years .. the cat still haven't caught the mouse yet. *dumb*

after school, i would always admire those boys and girls in primary school .. i like the workbook and textbook they're holding. i like the bag they're carrying .. looks cool to me. well, that time.

and mummy would hold my hand carry my bag .. and go home, i remember the old streets, i walked passed by, and the cobbler under the bridge who was my neighbour .. he died 2 years ago, i remember the milk bread my mummy used to buy, it was fragrant and it was sweet, i could eat 2 bread then.

and i remember the day, when dad came to fetch me. i knew he was out of job .. don't know why, but i had this gut feeling.

sad to say .. i was right.

*smile*

when i was young and my dad would drive. He used to bring me to this place .. it was not a place of fun where there would be swing & see-saws, neither there is any candy shop or is it any amusement park.

but a place of quiet & peace ..

i remember .. the place was dark, it was quiet .. there were very few people or none at all. behind me lies a long long road .. the dark dim streetlights makes the road creepy .. you will never know what might jump out from the bushes and you would never see the end of this road.
this place is lonely ..

in front of me is a great gate, very high and very big .. and there were fence stretching far far .. far from my sight .. at that time, only God knows how long is the fence.

i heard a loud sound .. and i can see a plane .. it was small at first then .. it started to grow in size .. it started to grow bigger. the features are getting more obvious ..

the plane is few hundred metres away from me .. i can see the wheels .. and it landed safely.

i remember my dad would always tell me .. "The plane is from Australia", whenever, there's a kangaroo logo behind the plane.

i would just look in amazed .. and it was so fasinating .. my eyes would sparkle .. and i would smile.

i would wonder .. where the plane came from .. and where it is going .. it came from the dark skies and landed .. then move on to the buildings in front. everything was so mysterious.

i was like 7 years old then ..

*smile*

i started to read & self-study local history when i'm like 10 years old .. i read the history of the 2 world wars .. I & II. I used to like reading the history of Singapore .. i like the 50s, the 60s & 70s .. the communism, the politics, the riots and the development of our country ..

it was then i started to talk to my grandma ..

grandma would always talk to me about the good old story of the war, the day when bomber planes of the japanese rule our skies and how grandma & her family would hide in the jungles .. surviving on what they have. grandma would also tell me about the man who would go and never come back.

and she would tell the stories of how she work for the British, she wash and sweep their garden everyday, morning till noon, just for a few dollars. grandma was always the lone worker in her family, working and cooking for over 10 person in the family, while others just.. well, you know, the ancient "favourism system". grandma really had a very hard time then.

grandma would always cook my favourite food .. grandma would always shield me when i did something wrong. grandma would always tell me whats right and whats wrong.

i remember grandma would always cook supper for me .. and she would smile and talk to me as i eat .. the more i eat .. the happier she is.

but now, grandma is 80 over years old .. and she is not as strong as she used to be.

its been a year since grandma came to my place.

*smile*

time flies .. and now, i'm not considered a boy anymore ..

and its going to be 1 year .. since, i spent an entire weekend at home.

i have been going to crowded places .. i have been rummaging through crowds and crowds of people. i have seen hundreds and thousands of people ..

i took the mrt .. i took the bus, i tried going to familiar places .. all and all, i tried to stay out. though i still need accompany, but luckily .. my friend and I were on the same frequency.

although, i still kept trying to look for that familiar face .. but, nevermind.
maybe sometimes, i just need the fresh air outside, after 5 days of "encampment".

or is it .. i lost something and trying to find back something?

sometimes really many times, i'm tired. and i just want to rest .. i am really tired.

*smile*

one day when i look back .. all these memories will surely put a smile across my face ..

i miss you ..

" 绵绵细雨.. 缓缓落叶.. 春花秋月..

光阴..

却已似箭..

爱意来去.. 匆匆..

叹! 我问仓天知多少..

再叹! 无奈.. "