cold rainy night

walking along the streets, beside the road. it was late at nite. the only light was the dimmed street lights. the only movement was the occasionally passing vehicles. there was not a single soul in the streets. while the wind was strong. the air was freezing. i was accompanied by the cold silent of the night, it was whispering in my ear. like hungry howling wolf.. shivering down my spine.

the night was cold, really cold. i swear.
the sky was red. it was drizzling. and minutes before a thunderstorm is to come.

with my hands .. left & right in my pocket. i had to endure the brutality of this cold night.

and again. alone.

i saw a walking black figure, some distance away from me. i was STUNNED! exactly like her, totally the same! i gained pace, walked faster, i wanted to run but i was tired.

it was not who i wanted it to be. it was not the person i was expecting. cos, gone are the days where the good old times were. gone are the times where i received unconditional care, love and concern. i was yearning a umbrella. i just need that special treatment. i don't want to walk alone in the cold. why am i walking? do i deserve this?

who can tell me? i'm too tired to think .. someone please tell me.

my face was real numb. stung by the bitter cold & tore apart by the strong wind. i was shivering.
i started to hear voices, the things she said. everything. is like a needle, a 0.055mm needle, piercing through me. many times. a lot of times. several times. countless times.
a knife could kill you, but a needle don't. it just makes you feel pain.

invisible needle causing pain from no-where .. together with the freezing cold. i can endure no more.

i arrived at a big cross junction, it was soul-less, it looked like a deserted road. very eerie, very creepy. it can make anyone paranoid. and i spotted some debris on the road.. i remember my friend who had died recently, he was young, full of promises, a decent chap. but sometimes what's destined is destined. i don't know why, but it just can't be helped. sad?

i really can't help but to wonder why life has to be fragile. life is like a x variable, it is not long neither is it short, it is not good, neither is it bad. so what is it?

is it a joker? or a trump card? so is it a gamble, either you win or lose? b0y, are we losers?

i don't want to think, i'm just too tired to. i don't think i can carry on anymore. i just want to rest. b'cos i'm drenched, i'm cold, i'm tired and i really don't know what to do anymore. things become so meaningless when you don't know what you wanna know, but so what if you know?

i want to rest. evey step is so heavy now.

i'm like walking out of a cliff .. dark and cold. i'm wet, cover with water, i cannot see the road in front, my vision was blurred with cold freezing water. it was like a never ending walk to nowhere.. i felt so helpless. i felt so hopeless.

but i'm neither scared nor frightened. maybe i just enjoy the protection by the thunder and lightning, maybe i just enjoy the baptised by the rain, maybe i just enjoy the peace and quiet brought by this freezing night. maybe .. i just enjoy, being alone.

finally, im drenched. i'm caught in the thunderstorm. i am going home and i walked home. i think of why life has to be so meaningless sometimes. sometimes why life is so fragile.

the cold really killed me. my battered soul couldnt take it no more, i'm tored to bits and i want to rest.

i don't want to listen to those words that hurted me. i want to crush those words.

i don't want to know why life is so fragile and at times meaningless.

and i reached home. drenched, cold, shivering & dying.
i don't know how i could make it from somewhere in the east side walking back home in the rain.
it was the will to survive that keeps me going. the love of my family & the love for myself.

for my niece, who keeps bringing joy to me, hearing her voice beats more than a thousand singing angel. for my family who brought me to this world giving me life and showering me with all the love in the world. for my grandma who always stood by me, always listening to me. showing her everlasting concern to me.

and to me .. my dreams & my great unfulfilled ambitions.

for i'm tired .. i don't want to think anymore. maybe i just want to sleep.

and if i don't wake up .. would you wake me up, tomorrow?

* love conquers all, it can create and destroy. but today, it creates.

something's missing

hi Mr Earth!!

i'm at 43N 36E .. when are you going to rotate to where i am?

I'm standing here .. waiting! and yes, Mr Earth.. you are absolutely right! I am .. alone.

all by myself.

i look up to the skies. the stars are smiling at me .. i look back at the stars, i dont know whether to smile back or to just stare at them. i cant help but to ask them, the earth is always moving .. things are always changing. and i am here. when will you come back to me again.
i'm not desperate, neither am i a craving for "some-thing" guy. but i'm waiting. and i'm sure .. missing something.

sometimes. loneliness just gush through me .. i hate loneliness.
love gave me everything and took everything away..

Love has come knocking on everyone's door. I just watch, smile and feel happy.

I went to Cupid's clinic .. i wanted to get a shot, and the queue no. is 324465787.
looks rather ridiculous. but, its okay. i just wait.

maybe in about 2 years time.. i might be a uncle to many children .. and maybe would have attended many weddings. my friends would probably be wonderful husbands to their pretty spouses.

and my queue no. would probably be .. 324167831. and i would still maybe be slogging away earning a living for myself.

the skies is always telling me somethings .. whenever, i look at him.

life is sometimes not very fair .. when i have it .. my friends don't. when i don't have it .. all my friends do.
but fair .. when people used to envy me .. but tables have turned.

well, i guess i'm just missing something.

the special one

sometimes .. i felt that i'm sitting on a kerb. looking at hundreds of people past me by.. while i just smile and looked on.

what am i looking at? well, i don't know. but what i know is just to smile and look on.

when i'm on the move.. along with many many people.. there are caucasions, foreigners, old people, youngsters.. beautiful people, ugly people and many many more. we are all moving along the same line .. in parallel, while sometimes perpendicularly.. cris-cross into each other's path.

sometimes .. i just feel vulnerable. you can say its lonely. sometimes its rather intimidated. sometimes i just feel good. sometimes i don't even know whats going on.

but what i know is .. just to move on.

and just sometimes.. you really wait and hope .. that someone will come to you and say " hey hi! how are u? why are you doing here? come, lets move on together."
and before you know it .. you found someone, maybe a friend? maybe a acquaintence? maybe a soul mate? or worst still, some one .. bad?

well, this person may move along with you. share problems. enjoy happy times. suffered bad times. all the sweet & sour & bitter times. the memories. that very moment. that very person.

be it man or woman.. lover or not. friend or foe.

then suddenly one day .. this person. this very special person .. said to you " im sorry, but i have to leave you, i have to go. i'm really sorry. don't be sad cos time will heal. someone will come along to accompany you, someday, one day .. goodbye!! "

then he/she left. maybe with tears, maybe not. he/she may steal a last glimpse at u .. or maybe he/she would not.

heartless .. you would say? you lost a friend? or a lover?

but i heard that person said sorry? well, you know time would heal isnt it? and the best part.. you also know someday .. one day .. some one WILL come and replace that person.
well, since you know all the facts .. why sad?

is there a rational for this? i don't really know, but what i know is that .. all these facts are true. and they will come true!

still sad? haha.. okay, i heard people say naive. i heard people say stupid. i heard people say childish. i heard people say im-mature.

well, i say .. its a learning process. emotions. and yes, its what makes us humans special - emotions & feelings. bad comments are irr-relevant, cos we are all learning.

the cycle goes back to the starting phase again.. sitting on the kerb. alone.

maybe one fine day, you're so well trained and you're just plain tired of looking at people. you want to make things happen. so you walk up and say " hey hi, how are you? why are you doing here? come. let's move on together!"

and there you go again .. the cycle starts all over again .. and your emotions upped a level higher.. call it experience point, if you want to.

well, no doubt its a cycle. but it will end one day! cos, one day .. we will get tired of repeating the process. of cos, you couldnt say that person who would eventually be with you is not the one you want.

bcos, only a special person could make you stand up and want to move with him/her and only a special person can make you want to approached and say hi to.

sad to say, this may not always be the case. well, again, i don't know, it's up to the individual!

well, one day .. when you are tired .. you want to rest and quit playing this cycle game. but on the other hand. you dont want to be lonely .. cos you're are afraid of loneliness. so make the right choice.

easy? well, easier said.

think.. how many 4 year can you afford to spend with another person anymore? 1 or maybe 2 or i say 3 the max? it add up to 12 years.. and only you know whether 12 years is a long or a short period.

and as for me ... i'm still sitting on the kerb, waiting .. i don't hope but wait, cos it would come eventually. *smile*

mmm .. how good if one day just one fine day .. someone familiar would return and say to me " hi, and you're still here.. well, i'm back .. don't mind if you would want to go for tea togther?"

again its just my wishful thinking! cheers!