miss

did you ever miss someone before?

all the little slideshow running in your head most of the time .. that same place, that little action, that thing you all do, that sweet smile and all the same familiar cherished moments.

but before we could answer ourselves this question .. probably, we should ask do we really miss this person or is this just a habit of not getting used to not being with her?

well, if it is a habit .. then it should be good. bcos, sometime, someday and somehow, someone better will come along and maybe that person you missed so much would be locked inside your memory safe.

But what if it is the later ...

as for me, i tried to ask myself this question too. but sad to say, its still not locked inside my memory safe yet .. its not i don't want .. but i can't.

its not that anyone can anyhow replace it .. bcos, its unique. if anyone can just come in and replaced it easily .. then probably, something has happened that forced me to do it.

i guessed its almost 50% there already .. again, unwillingly.

Sometimes, i asked myself why. why do i can't keep it inside me, while i myself knew that .. things has changed and that person has left and i got no choice. but why my heart still holds a significant place for her?

i'm not trying to be optimistic here .. although i really hope to. BUT, i don't really want to know about how things may turn out to be, in the near future.

Just by looking at things which may represent her presence makes me happy, bcos i know she's there. although it may be a virtual representation, but a smile would somehow appeared across my face.

call it naive, if you would like.

just some time back, i realised that her representation had disappeared for a couple of days .. and i would ask myself why .. BUT again, something tells me that, she's not on local soil. Eerie as it may sound, but .. logical thinking prevails! as i remember the words she have spoke to me. before she bid her farewell.

but i know she's happy and well protected!!

its not some sixth sense ..

lets talk about some sensitive religious issue here... few months back, when life has changed, when i embraced total singlehood and knowing that vice versa is not an option anymore. i asked myself questions .. but anyway, today, these questions are no more of an importance anymore.

few months back .. i tried the Christian way, i tried to do some spiritual communication, from what i read from the bible and some advice from my friends, i thought of trying to communicate to her through GOD. Bcos, i believe, she will pray at night. and the only way i can get to her is by message of GOD to her.

which i sincerely believe it works ..

as i used simple words .. take care of her and let her be happy, always!

i believe GOD has passed my message from a non-christian chap to her, a loyal servant of his.

LOVE .. love can transcend through people and even religious difference .. thats what i believe.

although deep down i hope i can really take care of her, myself. But if she is happy then i am happy too. although whatever things i see now, still makes my heart go sour.

every now and then i still dreamt of her! and isnt this suppose to ceased? i wonder why.

well, which man doesnt make mistakes? which guy doesnt do things they regret so? but the truth is somethings are reversible and while some are not.

there are still many things i cannot forget. and they kept rewinding inside my head. but i look forward to be optimistic..

let nature take its course .. whatever will be will be.

there are many things i hope she know. but on the other side, i hope she don't.

really.

Finally .. i know its stupid of me to whine about these things, but these are all the things that i kept for months inside me. so, since i can't locked it .. might as well, i remember it.

although i still miss you so, but that is not important. what matter most is that you're well taken care of and be happy everyday.

that will be my greatest wish for GOD to you.

miss ..

"
我的日记 写满的都是你的名
才发现又是另一个黎明
这是我对你爱的累积
"

dream dream dream.. i want you

since the age of four, i have not had a nightmare before.. it was so long and i was so young that can't even remember that nightmare .. what i remember was it was scary and i woke up, frightening.

and well, that was then ... several years back.

nowadays .. all i had was normal dream .. normal beginning normal ending .. most of them i can't remember anymore. But recently, i had some funny dream. i won't say its kinda sweet nor its bad.

but .. well, i don't know. probably, i think too much ..

people used to say .. what you think of in the day, most likely you would dream of it in the night .. but how true is it?

maybe you would think of something everyday and everytime then you probably would dreamt of it.

eh .. well, is it?

maybe to a certain extent and maybe its true after all !

and it was all in last week's nap ..

in a shopping centre, there ain't alot of people, i think i'm in my tees and jeans, and i'm alone. i forgot where was i already, but i remember i was looking at some clothings

and then something familiar caught the corner of my eye ..

two girl .. walking

she was in a black tee, with collar, i think .. and she was wearing brown pants with a strap of dark brown along the lenght of the pants .. dark brown contrasting with a lighter brown.

on the right, she carried a sling bag, the checker bag .. again with dark and light brown little squares .. and on her left hand, i remember it was a laptop bag ..

i looked up and caught her in full view.

her hair wasn't tied, it was a little wavy and it curl a little towards the end .. and as she turned her face ... her hair bounced a little.

that laughter was almost identical and somehow familiar .. that smile of hers seems to match perfectly well with what i have deep down in my memory bank.

that big round eyes, which speaks .. that eyes which sparkles .. and that little round nose ..

there are no two way about it

i'm right ..

there you are ..

and silly me, i tried to hide behind a mannequin .. and try to catch another glimpse, because i was afraid she might see me.

and that was the stupidest and lamest thing i can ever do. although i never quite understand why i did that but it was like a second natural thing to do..

*smile*

then as she walked further .. further ..

i can't see you anymore.

well, this is one of the many times, different places and different scenerios which i have dreamt .. but for this time, i can actually remember it so well .. its quite amazing huh .. hahaha!!

but a dream is always a dream .. and reality is reality .. although it may seem like a thin fine line seperating it.

but we all know, it's not this way .. the distance is greater than a thin fine line.

well, sad to say .. sometimes this is the method which i can feel i'm close to and where i can see and i can hear her..

and maybe one day, dreams do come true too..

but everyone knows.

what are the chances ..

right?

past present and a future with you

my country is sick .. so am i

even time, which tickle so fast, hasn't caught up with me yet, but sadly, flu has.

love-sick? ... haha

so .. what now?

i looked at the people around me .. my friends, in particular.. they had gone one or maybe even two or three steps ahead of me.

most were in the midst of studying for a degree cert. or are already in the workforce, craving out a career. and these people are my peers, we study in the same school, we play soccer every week and we know each other for years.

couple years more to a decade ..

time and tide dont wait .. i guess

some were already married and are already a father .. while some, its just a matter of couple of years before they tie the knot.

to think we were just teenagers, wearing our school uniform, day in day out .. having recess together, taking the same test, taking the same O levels.

and those were the days ..

sometimes, in this fast pace society, it would be good to stop and think back those wonderful days in the past.

But, in this reality world. i know that sometimes, things are not as rosy as it may seem to be.

sometimes, just to earn a living, we're forced to do things unwillingly. work in jobs that are not of our interest. smile just because we have to smile. talk to people we dont like and do everything just for the pleasure of people who are paying you.

sad, but true.

if you're lucky, you will find friends. or maybe good friends, who you can confide to, friends who wont "2-face" you when you are in your most vulnerable.

sadly .. in this dog eat dog world where the big fish always eat the small fish. where greed rules big head and small head. things may not always be what we want it to be.

gone were the days where we're in the comfort zone and we're protected. free from this harsh cruel world.

the rule of the game says .. if you're not the big fish .. then you better learn to grow faster, bigger and stronger .. and well, if you dont .. prepare to be eaten by the big fishes.

okay! enough of the harsh world, harsh reality and harsh society ..

isnt it wonderful, if you could after work, go home knowing that theres always someone .. who is waiting for you.

that person will be always willing to listen to you .. though that person may not give the best of answer or even suggestions or opinion. but that person is willing to share your burden and all your agony in this small cosy space you would call home?

a home where both of you had created?

but sometimes, when mind gets tired, it will twirl and swirl and it gets confused and frustrated. people will get angry and heated arguments are inevitable. and this happens most of the time, working in this hectic society.

so, why not take a step back, clear your mind and appreciate what that person does .. wouldnt that be better?

one wrong sentence can ruin a good day .. and vice versa, one beautiful sentence can make a person's day, if not one then maybe two.

well .. what to do right? is there a fine line between compromising and pure giving in? or do people just shout it out to get the message across to one another?

but hey, thats the one you love .. most

easier said.

living together may sound easy but however, not everyone's doing it .. and everything boils down to a word called "committment"

and nowadays not many people dare to even commit .. for "freedom" is now the in-word.

freedom? committment or grave?

will you give up your freedom to dig your own grave .. called committment?

sometimes, i feel im getting older, although now, i maybe young, but things around me are moving so fast. it will be very soon, the big 3 would approach me.

i also wish one day, when i come to a home of my own, there will be someone waiting for me.
and i would think that every thing i have done is all worthwhile.

and everyday, im still thinking .. im still pondering and i hope im still waiting. for everyday, im learning and again, waiting ..

i hope you know.

even if i have a successful career .. even if, i say.

a family would always be the final jigsaw puzzle .. to a successful career.

for one day, friends will leave .. they wont accompany you forever..

one day all happy hour will slowly fade away .. its either, you are being obsoleted or you have been obsoleted.

good time dont last ... and they surely aint gonna last forever.

sometimes .. knowing, there's always a warm cosy shelter, protecting you from harm, protecting you from the cruel reality of the world and keeping you safe and sound.

always knowing there's someone waiting for you .. to care for you, to share for you ..

till the day we leave this world.

to me, this is forever ..

for nothing beats a home sweet home.

"
I have seen dawn after the dark
For I have already travel this far
And all long I have not look back
But hoping you're at the front

"