the girl who cried on new year ..

it was so quiet ..

that night .. it was not in the wee hours, where the cold wind blows and the goosebumps grows. it was not in the creepy hours where, you would be very paranoid, very afraid of whats lurking in the dark corners.

as i walked ..

the streets, they were empty. there's a slight breeze .. and the papers floating in the air .. i can hear the swooshing sound.

i looked around, there wasn't alot of people.

as i walked and walked ..

i'm alone.

as i stand tall .. standing at a tall 22 storey building, looking at the breathtaking view of the brightly lit city skies .. it was beautiful.

as the wind blew strongly on me .. i felt free .. it was so carefree that it feels like flying ..

it was me. standing on a tall building. looking at a distance. thinking about the distant future.

and its the first day of chinese new year. happy new year to you.

as i looked at the distant future, i travelled back to the distant past .. and that slideshow of memories played slowly, slowly in my head .. some beautiful, some sad, some hateful while some are just wonderful.

though it was a bit emotional.

but whats past is gone.

i took a deep breathe and let out a heavy sigh .. i tried to look to the distant future.

suddenly, i heard a girl crying ...

she was weeping .. i saw that girl once. and this time, i saw her crying.

i looked at her .. why was she crying ? i thought. why was she in pain? is she out of love or what? or is she just plain lonely? afraid of being alone.

her face was red and swollen. it was wet.

she tried to cover her face with her hand. but no used. the more she's trying to escape, the more reality is trying to hunt her down.

as beads of pearly like tears rolled and dropped from her cheek ..

she cried out .. she's lost and she don't know what to do .. she's unsure .. she needs a comfort zone ..

and mostly, a comforting hand.

i walked towards her ..

i bend down and looked at her ..

she was choking back her tears .. she is wiping her tears off her face .. she tried to pull her hair back from her wet and sweaty face to look at me ... to look at me more closely.

i looked at her .. i see her in the eye ..

i know how she feel .. that lost, that helpless, that loneliness, that betrayal, the loss of trust, that loss of love, that emptiness, and i know ..

i know how you feel.

but inside her eye are in disarrays .. i don't know whether is she being offensive or being defensive or she's just shutting up.

i know how she feel .. but i don't know what she's thinking.

well, i tried ..

i tried to give my hand to her .. give her a pat on the back, or to just try gently stroking her hair, telling her it's alright .. hush hush, don't cry.

and in the end, i offered nothing, but nevermind.

i just looked at her and smiled.

it was not a cocky smile .. but, i gave her the sweetest smile i had.

i tried to tell her, i'm done with what you are going through .. 100% done and dusted.

what you need now is just time and space .. to think and sort things out.

i tried to give her a pat .. but, i hold back and walked away.

i don't know whether did she looked at me .. or did she just looked away or she just continue to cry again.

but i pray for her to be good. i pray for her to stand up strong. and i pray for her to be her usual cheerful self again.

just like how i pray for the last lady whom i cared for ... and i know that my prayers has been answered

and i also know that ...

i have to moved on.

as i continued to stand and looked at the beautiful city skies .. i think about that crying girl.

she is an intelligent and pretty girl.

and as much as i would like her to join me, in my night city gazing.

i did not ..

i don't know whether is she still crying at the corner .. or has she stopped crying or is she staring blankly into space.

but .. i hope to see you downstairs .. Ms S. after you are done with all the mourning. be it good or bad, but this too ... will passed

i smiled.

and as i enjoyed another cigarette and the cool night breeze .. together with the beautiful city skies.

its just me .. alone

again.

....

" 为什么这样子,你拉着我说你有些犹豫
怎么这样子,雨还没停你就撑伞要走
已经习惯不去阻止你,过好一阵子你就会回来
印象中的爱情好像,顶不住那时间

为什么这样子,你看着我说你已经决定
拉不住你,他的手应该比我更暖
铁盒的序,变成了日记变成了空气演化成回忆
印象中的爱情好像,顶不住那时间
所以你弃权 .. "

半岛铁盒

be my valentine's ..

yesterday was valentine's day.

remembering, yesterday night's clear skies. it was beautiful.

the wind was cooling, i felt the night breeze, as it brushes across me, my body. i shiver a little.

i listened to the rustling sound from the trees.

and i looked up to the skies.

it was pitch black, there were lots and lots of stars .. like minature diamonds hanging there .. while some twinkle and some just hanged there brightly.

in an instant .. i felt i was being warpped up 3-dimensionally, it is only me and the skies.

the stars are smiling at me. as they twinkle, they tried to tell me things. they tried to tell me things, which i cannot know.

they tried to tell me my future perhaps? maybe?

but nevermind.

like the stars .. i have as many words as they had. but i can speak to no one. these are words that can never be spoken.

and soon .. they may just fade away and die off.

so much for valentine's day i guess .. minus the flowers, chocolates, candlelight dinner and most importantly .. a partner.

but the sky is my partner .. and i love the skies. and hopefully the skies love me too ...

so ...

how did you celebrate valentines? or did you celebrate valentines?

for some it might just be another day, while some .. it's a special day. if it is special, then well, did you say how much you would really care for her/him? did you really tell her/him how you actually felt for them?

did you give them a good hug and tell him/her, nothing else matters, let's just savour this special moment? and endulged in the private world of your 3-dimensional love.

so .. did you?

please do .. b'cos they actually deserves it.

this earth is so big, two people can actually come together is really not easy. simple mathematic calculations can tell you that the chances are 1 in many billions.

so do it ..

*smile*

and marriage could be the next natural phase.

mmm ... looking at this two person love one another .. finally exchanging vows to accept one another as their halves.

what a symbolic event isn't it?

but did you saw that disagreement two years down the road that lead to seperation? or did you witnessed the irreconciliable differences that came out of no where three years down the road?

maybe you heard of the seven year itch? did you?

that piece of "wayang show" is nice and beautiful to watch .. but sometimes the aftermath could be disasterous.

okay .. so much for valentine's love and the "otherside" of marriage.

but hey, are you yearning for love too?

my answer would be a resounding YES! but im not desperate, mind you!!

who don't?

but the thing is sometimes, finding a new love, while you're still carrying "excessive baggage" is really not a good thing, i think. and seeking back old love is a survival mechanism gone wrong.

but some people can. majority can't.

we're adults .. let's not kid ourselves, shall we?

we all know the meaning of responsibility.

so let's be responsible adults .. you wouldnt like it if someone "cheat" on you? isnt it? well, apparently, many of us have actually "witnessed" these type of storyline happening.

sometimes, listening to story is quite interesting. but if the main character is actually YOU, then perhaps .. the story isn't that interesting anymore. isn't it?

and finally ..

its a happy valentines to all people in love.

as for me ..

i still prefer looking at the skies .. best if there's a glass of fine wine .. but of course, it would be even "special" if there's actually some one, who would accompany me to gaze at the stars.

and i'll take her to Australia to see the milky way ..

i'll take her to Alaska to see the aura ..

i'll take her to Nepal to see the first daylight ..

and the next valentine's day, i'll give her a big hug ..

telling her i've found my light ...

and again ... hopefully~

Only blue .. only bluee ... 爱让人好忧郁

and 我的心, 我的心 .. 蓝蓝的


*smile*

*Disclaimer*
again, i'm not desperate!!

生日快乐

did you receive the book on what-to-do for dummies?

did you? i dont.

*smile*

when i was a much younger chap, no one really told me the benefits of studying hard and getting a good qualification.

what people said then, was, it's for your own good.

very vague.

while some people did heed the advice blindly or maybe they do really know.

dad and mom, they too, also preach to you the benefits of studies. but during that time, we all know too well .. when in school, dad and mom are definitely out of the picture .. and never they should be in it.

teachers are just like salesperson, who are always trying to sell to you their idea.

but are we too young to understand their proposal?

or do they have the what-to-do book for dummies? and we dont?

well ..

growing a little older .. you know this friends and you know that friends.

but having friends are more than just happy being together and having fun together. there will always be a hidden agenda behind the happy scenes and the happy hour.

probably, wise people who saw it have told you, these friends are more than just friends, chances are, some may lead you to the wrong side of the road of life. while some are good, some are bad.

but then, who actually did heed these "wise" people's advice? again, some did, but most .. dont.

well, do we actually have the what-to-do book for dummies? or maybe even a how-to-do book for dummies.

apparently, we dont.

or these books dont really exist?

everyone do have a lot of friends. but like fine wine and distilled water, you need to really filter them and distilled it properly, before you can get the best quality.

but that time, we dont. say blind, if you would like to ..

ahh .. so much for growing up ..

soon soon, after so much effort, you are together with the girl.

at first glance, she's the hottest girl. she had the most beautiful smile you ever seen, her eyes sparkles as she smiled.

yeah, the hottest girl.

and the best thing is she's with you or maybe she has "agreed" to be with you, or maybe you had her "hooked".

well.

but then, along the way, things goes wrong. and things started to break out and things doesnt seems to be going very well.

you tried using your way, and she tried using her way.

but it just makes matter worse.

then you tried to get help or advice and she also tried to get help or advice.

but still it doesnt go well .. isnt it?

well, during this tough period, sometimes, isnt it good to have a what-to-do book, whereby, you just flipped through the pages and there is your answer?

isnt it wonderful?

you and her can then live happily ever after.

*smile*

Today is my birthday.

and as i tried to reflect all these years .. definitely there're regrets which i had along the way, and there are also real sweet moments which i will never forget.

but these are only memories or maybe its just lesson learnt in life.

sometimes, i think, if we have these what-to-do books and how-to-do books, then life will be much more easier, where under different circumstances, all we need to do is just to open up the book, read then apply.

easy?

but life doesnt work this way.

its more than just facing adversities open up a book read and apply.

life is a journey.

whatever we faced, is different, it differs from one person to the another.

well, in fact, that what-to-do and how-to-do book.. DO existed

it existed inside us, everyone of us.

*smile*

well, i'm glad. after going through various phases in life, i've learnt and gain alot. and it just makes me feel more "educated" and more confident. Life has never felt so good before.

i guess .. haha

Life is never controlled by a crystal ball. but rather in our hands.

mmmm....

and its now evening time, the sun has set. the two birds just flew past my eyesight, back home., probably. and the cars on the road increases. the buses are just filled with lots of tired people.

and its another day.

and the sky just feels so lazy, not busy.

and a birthday is just like any other day.

*smile*


6th Feb 1983, Kandang Kerbau Hospital, Noon - Breezy

" I saw the chubby baby, with his eyes closed, covered with white cotton cloth. He was sleeping soundly. Suddenly, i heard a loud thump thump sound. I looked, but no one. The loud footstep's echo filled the corridor, what a rush .. i thought.
Then, the nurse came, as she slowly pushed the cradle, the one that the baby boy is sleeping on. The nurse gave me a smile, as i watched the baby who gave a little yawn.
As she pushed the cradle along the long dark corridor, filled with the strong scent of medicine. Slowly her figure fade away...
Then i saw this 26 yr old man wearing spectacle, in a rush. as he looked at me gasping for air, before heading the direction, where the nurse went to.
The same thump thump heavy footstep filled the dark corridor as he disappeared, and i am left stranded there.

As i made my way, back to where i belong.. i smiled.

It's your birthday .. Bryan "