10th Sept Anniversary

today is 10th Sept ..

and one full year has passed .. so painfully quick and .. well, it's really been one year .. already, i guess, and i think .. i'm correct.

no .. i don't think, i'm really correct

i remember that night ... so clearly ..

one year ago, that voice was clear, though it was a bit choking, but it was pretty straight forward.

there is nothing much more to explain, neither is there any chance to re-think again ..

it was clear-cut, firm and very decisive. *i thought*

her decision was clear.

however, probably during that time, i don't seem to get it right .. or did i? well, did i? i forgot .. i guess ..

it was normal not to accept the fact .. it was normal to finally accept everything as what it is .. there are questions however .. questions which i had, and i feel very uneasy about it, and don't feel very good at all.
have i been cheated? or are there a lot of things which i don't know, but are there things which have been pre-planned behind my back?

honestly .. i don't know.

it's a game .. well, i should have know it .. and i lost. and it was only my first attempt in it.

probably the only reason why i lost is .. i took it too seriously

throughout those months, along the way, there were struggles, and plenty of struggles ..
days of not knowing what is happening, times of self-deceiving, hours of deep thoughts and times and many times of feeling helpless would kept overwhelming me.

during the nights .. it would be moments of helplessness .. for hours would passed like years .. and every minute would be filled with endless thoughts ..

images would flashed in my eyes and those images are not what i really see ..

there are many words in me, in my heart, in my thoughts .. words .. unspoken .. and i was horribly mute.

along the way i tried to do some things to savage what's left, i tried to make things happen. but this time .. actions doesnt mean any thing anymore..

as the heart is no longer there .. anything physical is nothing but an empty shell ..

promises and obligations are nothing but words, which doesnt really matter and they don't mean anything .. anymore

it was all but too late ..

it was all and all near to 7 months of self-deceiving .. near to 7 months of self deceived happiness .. and 7 months of .. well .. trapped in my imaginary mini-wonder land.

i have heard the words which i don't ever want to hear it being spoken again ..
i have witness action done to me .. never before .. but it has.

i am hurted..

and i have witnessed .. a heart .. never before .. nakely hurt .. so badly .. shattered to pieces .. devastated & totally crushed.

*smile*

well, nevermind .. that was then. already passed

looking back .. everything was just like yesterday .. everything was just like a horrible nightmare which i would never want to go back that 7 months again.

maybe i thought i had .. but i havent .. i thought i have .. but in fact .. i don't. again .. self-deceiving. everything was virtual and everything was self-thought

but i've woke up.

sad to say, eveything happened at the most helpless period time of my life .. there is nothing i can do. i was under-controlled. the country needs me .. and i have to answer the call. and i had to go.

and probably the foundation is not there? or maybe something happened along the way? who knows?
well, it beats me too!

is this GOD's will or fate? or is it oneself's selfishness? or is it a chance to be given to someone?

i don't know .. really .. i don't know.

there are many doubts which i don't really know.. but it is totally not important t0 me anymore. as unknowns are better be left as unknowns and all unknowns will be buried ..

well, probably it was not anyone's fault .. but its just a matter of choices.

since we're all adults so let's not deceived ourselves anymore. it's the choice you & i made.

it just doesnt make sense if i don't start to look ahead .. isnt it?

AND WELL ...

sometimes, thinking back ..

its so clearly that morning.. just one year ago ..

that morning was a parade celebrating 3 months into my training .. and it was a happy day for me .. for my mom & dad had witness their son .. completing his 1 phrase of national service.
it was a happy day for me as well, as it will be another turning point for me.

the following afternoon was a happy reunion dinner .. at the now closed-down Marche Heeren's. there were many words of encouragement and hours of story sharing .. from all the buddies.

but my mind is not there at all .. i was all the while thinking about the night ..

i bought a stalk of rose and a bar of chocolate .. expecting the night to fall .. to our next meeting ..
and .. who would know that day would be the very end ..

well, i don't.

of course, there are regrets surely .. but i had regretted nothing at all ..

i remember that night .. so clearly ..

"曾經有一份真誠的愛情擺在我的面前，
但是我沒有珍惜，等到了失去的時候才後悔莫及，
塵世間最痛苦的事莫過於此,
如果上天可以給我一個機會再來一次的話，
我會跟那個女孩子說"我愛她",
如果非要把這份愛加上一個期限，
我希望是一萬年."

and you're still so beautiful ..