exclusively from me to you

To the girl who this guy love so much ..

this guy dont really care what all woman in this world thinks .. neither he cares about how they behave.. but what he really cares is this girl he love so much.

this girl came to his life. 4 years ago.

she brought him happiness, she made him understand what laughter is. she made him know what is care & share & to concern.
she would always care for him. she would always put him in first priority.

to him the love she gave is nothing in this world can replace.

this past 4 years is full of happiness and sorrow.

he is sorry to bring her sorrow .. many times. maybe when judgement day comes. he would get his retribution. he neglected her sometimes and maybe sometimes seems unattentive to her.

but this girl is still strong and carrying on.

he remembers 4 years ago...

Starting from the now closed down Metro at the basement of Far East Shopping Centre.
To HardRock Cafe.
To a japanese KTV.
To the japanese restaurant
To Bugis Street Seiyu.
To the store Veeko
To the Singtel shop at City Link.
To her attachment at Kallang Basin.
To various places, selling OCBC cards.
To her 1st the job at Parkway Parade.
To her job at Amore.

and finally to her current job at CBD area ..

throughout this years .. he has waited patiently for her, for whatever she do. not b'cos she is demanding nor she is un-reasonable.

but he promise himself. from the day, when she came back to him.

HE will take care of her to the day he die. this he promise to himself. his responsibility to her, and not a man on a noble mission. or i should say, this is what he really live for. his ambition. to be a good father.

to be a good boyfriend. then husband. then a father. to him, these are the most noble job in the world.

well, to the day when everything finally ends..

the times, he sent her home. the times, they were together.

these are memories never will ceased and will be brought down together to his grave. together with the greatest secret they shared.

AND THIS IS WHAT HE HAVE TO SAY TO HER .....

The road we had walk together though maybe short. but, 4 years through our growing up stage is not easy.
Remember the day when we went to see the Easter Day Show at Jurong City Harvest Church?
nothing has been forgotten.
Remembering those Poly days where we would have dinner after your dance lesson .. and I finally after much persuasion, attended your dance concert.
I never forget.
Remembering that long road under the MRT track, we used to walked home. holding your hand, I cannot forget the sight of your smile. looking at me. with much innocence. your contagious laughter and the cheerful you.

what i forget is those harsh words .. you said to me. i have cleanly forgotten.

you would always telling me to accept my sister-in-law and my brother. but i am always not willing to. you would always be there, to be my middle person.

i never will ever forget.

you were always telling me to take care of my little brother .. but i never. im sorry.
you were always telling me to dress when going out with you. but i never. im sorry.

you really changed my world. you really changed me.

I really try to do more .. but sometimes along the road. i may fumble & i stumble but you were always there to forgive me and accept me.

i pray to GOD every night .. i hope you are safe and sound and please .. bring you happiness.
GOD answered my prayers.

i still see your pictures. you're happy. you're smiling. you're still beautiful and i still love you.

i saw a glimpse of you last week. my heart stopped. time stood still.

as captivating as ever.

throughout this years nothing beats the sight of seeing you laugh and smiling with such innocence. nothing beats the sound of your laughter and nothing beats the protrait of your smiling face looking at me ..

remembering the japanese picture you exclusively took for me. it was enchanting. it was everlasting.

though maybe things are different now. but nevermind. i'm ok.

I yearned that one day we can be together again. but I know, chances are probably down to the slimest of all chances.

you quote ..

"Efforts becomes too late as a heart that has died will never revive, it will only regrow in new spot where a new seed has been sown."

with tears, i look at this writing. with much despair, i have. theres nothing much to say.

please don't say those words. Let us just follow GOD's will. whatever will be will be.

but please remember that, the old spot is not there anymore, it is now moving into a more sunlight place, it is now revitalising itself. no more the same old spot. times have changed.

from a better person to an even better person .. as to love you more, i have to love myself even more.

i just hope one day .. this heart will again be revive. but anyway, im just deceiving myself.

you have opened up all doors in me.. but you never said goodbye and you left the key on the floor. Its really painful. but as you have expected. i never fall. b'cos i know you wouldn't want to see me like this.

i have bounced back, stronger as ever. but you're not there anymore.

i never blame you, i never harbour any hate. but more and more love for you.

i quote you again ...

" He is not the person in the world, with neither looks nor out-going character, i was attracted, he reflects my inner self, his gloomy perceptive towards relationships tempted me, it challenges me to open this locked door. I started carving our relationship "

i hope i can have the opportunity to have one last chance again.

i quote myself

" You are the only person in this world who managed to open up my heart, wide open. You are not the most beautiful girl, 4 years ago. You character, frightens me, 4 years ago. but like how you felt to me.. your inner self reflects me. it totally complement mine. in you i see light, a bright tunnel of light to free me from my dungeon of darkness. No one in this world can make me feel this way, ever again. Your smile, Your laughter, Your cheerfulness. I fall for you, totally"

you have succeeded in your initial challenge to open up this stubborn door.

In you i see life, but not a solitary life. but life, of faith, hope and love.

and Finally,

this past few months, were all sleepless nights, tears and eternal sadness. memories would always flood me. even till now. day and night, images of you only.
but when i see that you're happy, and i am happy.

i don't ask myself questions anymore. b'cos, this time round, i don't respect your decision. you have been making crucial decisions for these years. and before i could make mine. you decided it was final.

this time, you're selfish. this time. i wouldnt allow you to tell me what to do anymore.

but i don't blame you, b'cos my love for you is so much greater than hatred. the hatred is drowned in my sea of love. and i would want to wait for you.

but i could only see you from far. my love can only be passed through from GOD to you.

i really hope to live my life with you. but, i guess .. there are no more options left for me.

but im very happy, happy to know that you were once so deeply in love with me before. and even if i were to leave. there would always be a smile across my face.

Lastly, with tears i end this final sentence and with immersed pain..

i hope you be happy always ...

there will never be any one like you, is to me.. you would always be my one and only Ailing.




Faithfully
Bryan