auld lang syne

I remember i was waiting for my friend outside the train station.

When he went to buy a drink, and i just sat there and stared at the never-ending crowd.

Suddenly, i heard a song ...

It was melodic .. the lady who played the tune, she played it well. It was harmonic, i can hear flow in it. It was smoothing, but the tone was sad .. i can feel loneliness in it and i thought there was a meaning in the song ..

That tune tells a story ..

And that lady played it with feelings ..

As i stared at the lady .. i wonder how much she has been through .. i feel sorry for her, but i never pity her.

And I think about myself ..

And i looked at the never-ending crowd .. where suddenly, everything become a slow motion film.

I looked at the mother with her children, i smiled, because i like children and i would remember those days when i was young and mom would hold my hand and my brother's hand. Mother would always tell us to be a good boy and study hard.

Good student?

I looked at the little "gangster" with the tinted hair, wearing the black polo tee with the small chain hanging on his jeans. It remind me of my younger days, but i was better, i think. in fact, I was

Wasted youth?

*smile*

I saw a sweet young couple holding hands ..

Everytime, i would tell myself to stop looking at these people, but sometimes .. i can't. Looking at the way they smile and giving small talk to each other, well, i shouldnt say i'm jealous. Maybe envy would be a much better word.

Envy .. why be envious? mm.. good question.

I hope they won't peck on each other's lips .. in front of me .. please!

Everything is just like a motion picture ..

Observing crowds are fasinating, every person has a different story to tell. Everyone is like a battered warrior and has fought numerous wars .. The eyes tells me all.

Everyday, is the same busy crowd, everyday is the same kind of people, walking in and out. walking into the bus and out of the bus. nothing has changed and though everything looks the same. but deep down, you know its different.

Including me.

In a couple of days, i would bid farewell to this lonely year ..

This year, has been very emotional. Through many negative emotions, i learnt alot. I feel that i have understand myself more and more.

I learnt that actually, i can smile. not bad huh~

This year, i felt sincerity at its best. Never before i felt i could be so sincere, as if my heart open up and speak .. never thought i can be so trueful.

I swear that the feeling was wonderful and magical.

But a magical feeling used at the wrong occasion. well, nevermind.

This year is a soul-searching year.

This year, I'm a bachelor. This year, i got time to sit down and think of my future .. to draft a plan for the coming years.

It was a sensible thing to do.. I thought. And it sure is.

One amazing thing happened this year is .. i started to blog. Which i never thought i will.

*smile*

Looking at my 36 stories..

This year, my emotional level is at its peak and bottom. I wrote things which i have feel or i have seen.

The things i've been through, whether they're good or bad. What i see and feel. i wrote down. so in years to come i can laugh at myself for being such a wimp. haha..

meloveworld is my " emotional graveyard "..

And as for this year's Christmas Day, i was not in a party, eating turkey or was i exchanging gifts, and i am neither on a date with some fortunate father's daughter.

I was watching a movie..

In a city of pain and hate. which one would you choose? would you choose to love or hate or would you choose to end yourself?

I'm happy i have choose love. since day one till now.

Treasure someone you really love is important. Two person who truely love one another but cannot be together .. is the most painful emotion that a human being can ever feel.

B'cos, by this time, no one believes in heaven's will .. just ask Romeo & Juliet, or how bout Liang ShanBo & Zhu YingTai.

Watching the movie was my christmas present. and I like this year's present.

I hope i would never have to choose between love and hate again.

But one day, i know i will jump back into the love-wagon again .. i guess

Sucidal? perhaps perhaps .. maybe. maybe yes. maybe no. whatever..

*sigh*

As i brewed a cup of hot warm coffee .. my hands were freezing as i adjusted my specs and i looked out at the deep hazy skies ..

Before the heavy rain, i tried to looked far away .. I saw the city skyscaper standing so tall, behind a misty of grey clouds and eventually covered by thick angry grey clouds.

there were no thunder nor lightling, but the wind was strong. It blew hard on my face, my face feels cold and it stiffens ..

It then rained. or rather .. it snowed.

As i sip my warm coffee .. i smile

This rain could make many people down. Looking at the whole city swallowed by angry clouds and the strong wind that can bully anything that comes in its way .. but for this time i never.

I saw light.

I'm thankful for everything that happened this year. I'm thankful to all the great people i have around me.

I'm looking forward to a new year and a bright future.

Beyond the dark cloud, there will always be a warm and wholesome sunshine, accompanied by beautiful rainbows.

I am still me. But, I've changed to a new me.

Thinking back, time really flies. Looking at my pretty niece growing up .. Its just like yesterday, she was a sleeping baby, now she's running around and keep pestering me .. Like a two-year old duracell bunny.

Haha ..

Sitting down and reflecting everything that has happened. it really make my heart ache.

But anyway, what's past is a mirror reflecting on my present, ensuring i don't repeat them in the future. Good past i keep them as memories and those bad past i take them as a lesson learnt.

simple!

Many times, i still think of that lovely smile who used to smile for me. but its not smiling to me anymore ...

Anyway, think a little won't hurt that much.

Well, one day, this emotional graveyard will eventually be put to rest .. the mourning has already ended together with the departure of this sad and lonely year.

I guess the word "blog" sounds girl-ly to me. And if it were to continue, it wouldn't be an emotional one anymore.

For ...

I have stand up.

Couple of months back i guess ..

Let's move on for a new year..

*smile*

And i look forward to all the coming years .. and the most important thing is, i would want to see the world.

There're still lots of road waiting for me to walk on .. and its my greatest wish, to travel around the world.

I hope im not travelling ... alone

Well ...

Lastly, to the lady who played the tune .. reminding me that this year is finally coming to an end. I pray for her to be happy ..

To the blind indian lady who played the harmonica outside the train station ..

I hope you will be happy .. always

Thank you .. thats a good tune.

I had enough of love songs .. for this year at least ..

Happy new year to you ..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And days of auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

..

To the people I love, my family, my friends and you.

You won't be forgotten.

..

Goodnight

..

Goodnight 2006

..

我已经变了

但也來不及了

..

后退

* See you in 2007 , be happy!

rainy thoughts

As i looked out the window ..

The thunder roars and lightling flashes across the dark red cloudy skies .. the rain came pouring down.

The freezing cold .. the brutal strong wind ..

Isn't it scary?

On the window are hundreds or even thousands of small water droplets.. reflecting the passing lamp lights, like a kaleidoscope.. i saw many spider webs of flashy orange colours.

I heard a loud screaming voice .. he screamed at him.

So loud that it hurts, internally. i saw the little boy crying .. helplessly. I thought it was intimidating .. but he was still shouting and screaming.

I don't know why, but .. there is no reason, neither is there a need for all these violence. It was the anger kept inside him. But what are these anger? no one knows ..

The little boy is crying helplessly. Everytime he choke and dry his tears with his small little hands .. my heart squeezed a little, my face swell a little and my eyes blinked a little.

He was looking and she was looking.

why ?

I looked at the rainy skies, all i can hear was noise, all i can see was flash lights and all i can feel was pain.

I too, was the screaming guy .. shouting at a helpless boy. There was anger in me then. But i don't know why.

I would remember, i would carry him on my arms, when he was in nursery, he was so cute and adorable.

I would never forget this little boy, came smiling and asking me to carry him, 9 years ago .. when i was brushing my teeth. But all i did was smile at him and walked away, off to work.

In the end, now .. i suffered.

From my guilt .. my conscience .. and my duty as a elder brother ..

And the pain just won't end.

She saw too .. and she too .. left me.

And the pain just won't end ..

Well .. what's past has gone. I can't possible go back and atone my mistakes. So let's just make action speaks louder than words, and look into the future.

And as the car goes faster and the rain grows heavier ..

I think love ..

Maybe love is like a aeroplane ride.

Sometimes, taking a little twist and turns, would make love more interesting, but too much of it would deem as unsafe. And too little may deem as a boring relationship.

Striking a balance is important. It just make the love going and going ..

But the thing is, what if the love breaks down and is heading for a crash?

Well, the love aeroplane only have 1 parachute.

One party can jump off with the parachute and the other would have to bear the full force of the plane crash.

ok, I know its cruel.

But ..

A man has to die first before he can learn how to live.

but if the plane can fly endlessly till both of them crashed together, this i saluted. And please tell me how too!

*smile*

Sometimes .. sometimes .. rainy days really make a mood go moody and it surely aroused the mood of many people.

including me ..

And as i reached my destination .. I thought of that someone who has killed me.

I smiled.

My friend saw and he asked me why i smiled all of a sudden.

I said no, but i just remember a beautiful picture of a lady .. so let's just get a frame and framed that beautiful picture up.

and i really frame that picture up.

oh ..

and just so good, the rain goes smaller, the thunder stops and the little boy starts smiling again

mm .. beautiful indeed.

'
你哭着对我说
童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂
从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了
'

one more to go before end 2006 ..

Memories II

This year is coming to an end ..

My emotional level this year is just like a volatile stock .. raising high up, then it came crushing down, then it climb up again, and like this year's STI stocks, meeting and breaking historical highs.

Anyway, i don't like to write diary. Cos, i think its a girl-ly thing to do. haha

But, as i read through what, i've written couple months back .. somehow, i smiled to myself.

Memories came flooding back ..

i remember the times of loneliness .. the times where i would just stared blank, times where i would fear the night, i fear that i would think too much, fear that tears would flow, fear that why i'm in this state .. fear that why i am helpless ..

But anyway, these days have passed. I hope they won't come back.

And i will make sure they don't.

I remember i wrote on, how i felt then .. when we were at a crossroad. And when the decision came to continued walking left, right or center .. i was left stranded and while she left.
Honestly i don't know where she ran to. But somehow, when i finally gathered myself and carry on. I saw her.

Actually, I dont really blame her.

I also wrote about, sitting on a kerb along the road of life. Looking at thousands of people, seeing hundreds of lovely couples, and waiting for someone to come by and say Hi. Sometimes, i don't mind sitting longer, waiting and yearning for that familiar face to come.

But, i also know that i cannot wait forever.

My thoughts, my feelings and what i feel for the coming future, I wrote them all. The initial intention is next time, when i read back, i will laugh at myself for being so stupid and being such a emotional crap sucker.

This is NOT me!

damn ..

But somehow or rather, i felt a bit heart-warming when i read back.

*smile*

well ..

I had enough of seeing couples holding hands, watch couples lovevy-dovevy, walking out of movie theatre, exchanging small glances and giving little smiles ..

so .. i try to ignore all.

Ahh .. whatever people

*stick tongue*

Thinking back earlier this year ..

I used to ask why i'm being let go .. why im being sacrifice, hundreds and thousands of whys. But now, i no longer ask myself whys .. Bcos, sometimes knowing too much might not be a good thing afterall.

So unknowns are better to be left as unknowns .. forever.

This girl used to say that im immature, i used to disagree with her. But now, i guess its true .. true to a certain extent.

I have thought of many things. The past, the present and the future. Its good that i have time of my own now, at least i know what i am going to do now and also ten years from now.

I'm happy with the first ever Christmas party invitation .. but, somehow, there's something which i don't think i will feel comfortable seeing .. so i choose not to accept the invitation.

As for the cloud above my head that time .. i assure you its not cloud nine but cloud question mark ..

It came as a sudden .. with mixed feelings ...

Although i still love you, but the last thing, i hope you don't show me is sympathy. Thats the only wish i would ask ..

But i will be very happy if i can see you again.

I am also very happy .. bcos you still know that i love you.

miracle indeed ...

"
你紧紧地抱住我 说你不需要承诺

你说我若一个人会比较自由

我不懂你说什么 反正不会松手

"