cold rainy night

walking along the streets, beside the road. it was late at nite. the only light was the dimmed street lights. the only movement was the occasionally passing vehicles. there was not a single soul in the streets. while the wind was strong. the air was freezing. i was accompanied by the cold silent of the night, it was whispering in my ear. like hungry howling wolf.. shivering down my spine.

the night was cold, really cold. i swear.
the sky was red. it was drizzling. and minutes before a thunderstorm is to come.

with my hands .. left & right in my pocket. i had to endure the brutality of this cold night.

and again. alone.

i saw a walking black figure, some distance away from me. i was STUNNED! exactly like her, totally the same! i gained pace, walked faster, i wanted to run but i was tired.

it was not who i wanted it to be. it was not the person i was expecting. cos, gone are the days where the good old times were. gone are the times where i received unconditional care, love and concern. i was yearning a umbrella. i just need that special treatment. i don't want to walk alone in the cold. why am i walking? do i deserve this?

who can tell me? i'm too tired to think .. someone please tell me.

my face was real numb. stung by the bitter cold & tore apart by the strong wind. i was shivering.
i started to hear voices, the things she said. everything. is like a needle, a 0.055mm needle, piercing through me. many times. a lot of times. several times. countless times.
a knife could kill you, but a needle don't. it just makes you feel pain.

invisible needle causing pain from no-where .. together with the freezing cold. i can endure no more.

i arrived at a big cross junction, it was soul-less, it looked like a deserted road. very eerie, very creepy. it can make anyone paranoid. and i spotted some debris on the road.. i remember my friend who had died recently, he was young, full of promises, a decent chap. but sometimes what's destined is destined. i don't know why, but it just can't be helped. sad?

i really can't help but to wonder why life has to be fragile. life is like a x variable, it is not long neither is it short, it is not good, neither is it bad. so what is it?

is it a joker? or a trump card? so is it a gamble, either you win or lose? b0y, are we losers?

i don't want to think, i'm just too tired to. i don't think i can carry on anymore. i just want to rest. b'cos i'm drenched, i'm cold, i'm tired and i really don't know what to do anymore. things become so meaningless when you don't know what you wanna know, but so what if you know?

i want to rest. evey step is so heavy now.

i'm like walking out of a cliff .. dark and cold. i'm wet, cover with water, i cannot see the road in front, my vision was blurred with cold freezing water. it was like a never ending walk to nowhere.. i felt so helpless. i felt so hopeless.

but i'm neither scared nor frightened. maybe i just enjoy the protection by the thunder and lightning, maybe i just enjoy the baptised by the rain, maybe i just enjoy the peace and quiet brought by this freezing night. maybe .. i just enjoy, being alone.

finally, im drenched. i'm caught in the thunderstorm. i am going home and i walked home. i think of why life has to be so meaningless sometimes. sometimes why life is so fragile.

the cold really killed me. my battered soul couldnt take it no more, i'm tored to bits and i want to rest.

i don't want to listen to those words that hurted me. i want to crush those words.

i don't want to know why life is so fragile and at times meaningless.

and i reached home. drenched, cold, shivering & dying.
i don't know how i could make it from somewhere in the east side walking back home in the rain.
it was the will to survive that keeps me going. the love of my family & the love for myself.

for my niece, who keeps bringing joy to me, hearing her voice beats more than a thousand singing angel. for my family who brought me to this world giving me life and showering me with all the love in the world. for my grandma who always stood by me, always listening to me. showing her everlasting concern to me.

and to me .. my dreams & my great unfulfilled ambitions.

for i'm tired .. i don't want to think anymore. maybe i just want to sleep.

and if i don't wake up .. would you wake me up, tomorrow?

* love conquers all, it can create and destroy. but today, it creates.